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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Why I Love Telemarketers.

I spend a lot of time at home. It's where I write.

I've mentioned that I'm in the process of putting together a movie.

So I spend a lot of time at home, on the phone, and, particularly, waiting for the phone to ring.

A lot of times, while waiting for the phone to ring, it rings.

Only, instead of it being the person I'd hoped to hear from, it's a telemarketer.

Telemarketing should be against the law. You should not be allowed to call up a stranger in order to sell them something.
There is no legitimate excuse for this profession existing.

Moreover, when you answer the phone and say "hello", you should never be subjected to waiting more than half-a-second for a response.
You often are subjected to at least twenty seconds before you hear from the other end in a typical telemarketing call.

As a result, I love telemarketers.
You may ask "Why?" at this point.

In my case, it's because I turn them into human punching-bags.

The display on my phone is a pretty good indication that a telemarketer is calling.
So I'm always prepared to go into telemarketer-abuse mode.

Many of us have a lot of stress, and no outlet for it.
Verbally beating up on another human being who deserves it is a great stress reliever.

The louder, the angrier, the more abusive you can get towards them, the better you feel afterwards.

And they are trained to be polite, at all costs. They don't fight back.
They are designed to be punching bags.

Sometimes, sarcasm is more effective, and equally rewarding.

I seem to have gotten on telemarketing lists for people trying to sell sports-betting picks.
I can't imagine how they found me.

The typical call goes this way:

Me: Hello?

Them: Hi. I've got three sure winners for this weekend's games, and we're practically giving them away!

Me: Really? That's pretty good.

Them: Are you interested?

Me: I might be....

Them: We've been hitting over eighty percent on our picks this year. You won't find anything better than that.

Me: Eighty percent? That's pretty impressive.

Them: So are you interested?

Me: Let me ask you something. Do you bet on your picks?

Them: Sure.

Me: A lot of money?

Them: Yup.

Me: You must be making it hand over fist.

Them: I'm doing really well.

Me: Well, if that's the case, why are you wasting your time sitting in some boiler-room someplace, trying to sell me your picks?

Then they hang up.

See? There is fun to be had with telemarketers, even though they are the scum of the earth.

You get to verbally beat them up, and you get to belittle them.
What's better than that?

If any of you reading this are telemarketers, I'm sorry if I offended you.

No, I'm not.

Door-to-door salesman is another occupation that should be abolished legally.

I don't love door-to-door salesmen.
If you open the door, and they go into their pitch, you can verbally abuse or belittle them,
but they might hit you.

So it's not worth it.
A whole different matter entirely.



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About Me

Hi. I am, according to my Wikipedia entry,(which I did not create) a noted television writer, playwright, screenwriter, and occasional actor. You can Google me or go to the IMDB to get my credits, and you can come here to get my opinions on things, which I'll try to express eloquently. Hopefully I'll succeed. You can also e-mail me at Perhaps my biggest claim to fame is being responsible, for about six months in 1975, while Head Writer for the "Happy Days" TV series, for Americans saying to each other "Sit on it."