I think I'm going to be as alone on this one as I probably am about yesterday's post about Garralaga's perfect game.
What I say might even alienate people.
Even my loyal readers.
But it's what I believe.
I think Helen Thomas had no right to say what she said about how the Jews should leave Israel, and that it was inexcusable for her to say it.
I said it, and I'm glad.
It's now out in the open.
What? This isn't so shocking?
How about this?
I think what she said was right.
Not the part about them moving back to Germany, but the rest of it.
I just think that she had no right to say it.
I have the right to say it.
Why me, and not she?
Because I am a Jew, and she is not.
She is of Lebanese extraction, and that colors what she says.
It's very much akin to the fact that it's okay for black people to use the "N" word with each other, but not okay for white people to use it under any circumstances.
I get that.
So from now on I'll simply refer to my people as the "J" word.
Or Doctor "J".
A lot of us are doctors anyway.
Why do I think that what she said was right?
Because I, myself, have been saying it for years and years.
To anyone who would listen.
And I've been very specific about it.
I've said "You know what would solve the Middle East Problems? If we moved Israel.
We've always been very supportive of Israel, but with all our support, we haven't been able to help them very much.
As long as we're in a continual Helping Mode, why don't we do something that will really help them?
Why don't we offer all Israelis the opportunity to establish their homeland on the West Coast of Florida, to form their own country on land approximately the same size as Israel?
Who's going to bother them there?
Besides, there are already a whole lot of "J"s there already.
They won't even have to assimilate.
Give them each a First Class ticket to come here, which they could cash in for a coach ticket.
We'd all be way ahead of the game."
The plan still looks good to me, except I'd probably change the location, what with the oil spilling and all down there.
All right then, maybe Jersey.
How about Jersey?
There's lots of "J"s there too.
So the ocean will be on the other side.
A lot of "J"s who moved from New York to L.A. had the same problem about the ocean.
And they were able to deal with it.
To get to the beach in Jersey, you just make a right instead of a left .
How about just below Route 9 on the Jersey Turnpike?
We can even let them collect the tolls.
That ought to seal the deal.
See? I think I can do these ethnic slur jokes because I am Doctor "J".
Not like Helen Thomas.
I know that there's a problem with this scenario.
You think I don't know?
Israel, where it is, is considered the Holy Land.
It's where the Wailing Wall is.
You know what?
You build a new one.
Where you can wail in peace.
How do we really know if it is, in fact, the Holy Land?
Just because it says so in the Old Testament?
To quote Mr. Mercer, to illustrate my last remark----
Jonah in the whale.
Noah and the Ark.
It says that too.
Who believes it?
Who's to say we're not just cherry-picking about what to believe from the Old Testament?
This is worth risking life and limb over?
Excuse me. I just lapsed into my Jackie Mason impression.
To me, there was only one place that I know was Holy.
I didn't have to look it up.
The old Yankee Stadium.
Now THAT was hallowed ground.
After having it for about twenty five years more than the Jews had Israel, they tore it down.
And you know what?
After about six months, I got over it.
This new Yankee Stadium is just as Holy to me now as the old one was.
You just have to be willing to adjust.
You just have to not be a slave to your religion.
It's the classic example of how Religion leads to nothing but War.
And how more wars are started more by Religion, and Oil, than anything else.
And that's what all the entire Middle East wars have been about.
And will always be about.
It's those two things.
Religion and Oil.
And it's been unsolvable.
This solves both problems in one fell swoop.
That's why you give them the land below Route 9.
Away from the refineries around Route 13.
See? I've applied a lot of serious thought to this.
I'm just offering what I consider a reasonable way towards peace in our time.
At least in the Middle East.
Now, obviously, I'm not your hardcore orthodox regular synagogue attendee.
Maybe if I was, what I'm saying might hit me as sacrilege.
I'm sure it hits some of you as sacrilege.
But I'm the kind of "J" who is very proud of my heritage, and have absolutely no use for any of it's religious rules.
I attribute this, as I do most things, to my upbringing.
I had a mother who preached abstinence from bread during Passover, leaving us no choice but matzoh, yet she kept a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread stashed in the breadbox.
There used to be a thing called a breadbox.
And that loaf of Wonder Bread kept dwindling throughout Passover, without my sister or I touching it.
I had a mother who forced my sister and I to sing Chanukah songs every year when we lit the Menorah.
And she'd want them sung "Out loud, and with expression!"
She actually had the lyrics to all of them mimeographed.
One year, knowing where they were stashed, we hid them.
She found them.
She had radar, or something.
And we ended up singing, as usual.
This tradition ended the year my sister's hair caught on fire from the lit Menorah candles.
As we were singing "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel".
My mother made me start Hebrew School a year earlier than all of my contemporaries.
Just to please my grandmother.
Not to please me.
The Hebrew School was ill-prepared to deal with this.
They didn't know what to do with me the second year.
So I took the first year over again.
That was the best they were able to come up with.
Perhaps that was the beginning of my ongoing low-boredom threshold.
So, as you can see, it was forced down our throats.
My sister and I have had a grand total of three marriages.
All to non-"J"s.
So those are my thoughts, and I think I'm free to express them, as foul as you might think they are..
Because I'm still Doctor "J".
And Helen Thomas is not.
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- mark rothman
- Hi. I am, according to my Wikipedia entry,(which I did not create) a noted television writer, playwright, screenwriter, and occasional actor. You can Google me or go to the IMDB to get my credits, and you can come here to get my opinions on things, which I'll try to express eloquently. Hopefully I'll succeed. You can also e-mail me at email@example.com. Perhaps my biggest claim to fame is being responsible, for about six months in 1975, while Head Writer for the "Happy Days" TV series, for Americans saying to each other "Sit on it."