Back To The Dishonorables.

We're continuing with our list, leading down to the bottom ten worst
TV Theme Songs Ever.
Since the last time, a slew of more Worsts have entered my head, leaving
us with at least a semi-slew of more Dishonorables.
None of the semi-slew deserves to be placed in the previous opening five.
They are all worse than those.
But it has wreaked havoc with my numbering system.
So I will abandon my numbering system, and simply list the remaining
Dishonorables without numbers, going from least offensive to most, over the next
couple of sessions, until we reach the bottom ten.
Don't worry.
There will be plenty of notice when we arrive there.

So we continue--------

"The NBC Mystery Movie".

This was the opening music and titles for three shows that NBC umbrella'd.
Did it save them money to do that?
What do you think?
The shows in question were "McCloud", "McMillan and Wife", and "Columbo"
You'd think "Columbo" at least deserved it's own theme song.
The one they used sounded like a whistle at a Naval fire drill.

"The Sopranos"

A lot of people liked the theme for "The Sopranos"
Not me.
To me, it sounded a lot like grunting.
I suppose it matched the visuals, the smokestacks around the Meadowlands.
But I only needed to hear it once before deciding to skip past it on the Tivo
whenever I watched it.
It should have been something by Louis Prima.
But then, everything should be something by Louis Prima.

The Second Season of "The Abbott and Costello Show"

It's not that it was so terrible, but it was so much worse than the first
season of "The Abbott and Costello Show"
The theme music and the show.
They only did two seasons.
The first one was terrific.
The second seemed like it was performed underwater.

"I Married Joan"

It's not that the song was bad.
It wasn't.
It's just that it was performed solely by a combined male and female chorus.
No instrumentation.
In 1948, the Musicians Union, headed by a man named Petrillo, called a strike,
leaving show business to fend for itself without musicians.
Show Business tried to fight back by simply using human choruses.
The public wasn't having any, and Show Business quickly caved to the union.
By 1952, when "I Married Joan" cranked up, somebody there still hadn't received
the message.

"Good Times"

A rousing "protest" song.
"Temporary layoffs, Good Times,
Easy Credit ripoffs, Good Times...."
The prosecution rests.

"Wyatt Earp"

Another pure use of chorus, this time a male one, pretentiously extolling
the virtues of one Mr. Earp.

Back next time with more worse, and in some cases considerably worse, Dishonorables.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

"My Three Sons" Takes A Hit.

I'm going to take an excursion from my series about TV theme songs to talk a little
bit about "My Three Sons"
Two major cast members of it have died within the last two days:
Don Grady, who played the original Number Two Son, and Doris Singleton, who
was a great character actress, and played two major recurring roles.
She had enough screen time during the series that she could be considered a regular.

I was never a big fan of "My Three Sons"
It was softball comedy.
The kind of show that Mel Brooks used to refer to as a "hummer".
It would be on in your house, you wouldn't be paying attention to it, and all
of a sudden you'd hear this noise.
A humming sound.
And you'd say to yourself "What's that humming sound?
And you'd realize that it was coming from the TV set.
And you'd go over to the set and shut it off.

I suppose it had a certain charm.
But not the kind of charm that would make you laugh out loud.

I don't know if this is common knowledge, but "My Three Sons" began a precedent
on how shows were shot.
In order to land Fred MacMurray to play the lead, they really had to twist his
arm.
He simply did not want to devote that much of his year to commit to a TV series.
The producer, Don Fedderson, came up with a unique solution.
He promised MacMurray that he wouldn't have to spend more than three consecutive
months a year on the series.
The rest of the year, he could goof off, or make Disney movies, or whatever else
he wanted to do.
So all 39 episodes of the season wold be pre-prepared, and they scheduled all of
MacMurray's scenes.
His closeups, masters, would be shot during those three consecutive months.
So a lot of time was spent for the other actors talking to MacMurray's character,
when in reality, they were talking to the dialogue coach.

When Brian Keith signed on to do "Family Affair", with the same producer, he
agreed, with the proviso that he have the Fred MacMurray deal.
He was acquiesced to.
And, of course, it looked it.

Another hummer.

We have not heard the end of "My Three Sons".
It will show up again when we get back to the "TV theme songs" series.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

I've Come To Bury TV Theme Songs....

The next couple of weeks, barring major developments, will be devoted to
evaluating the best and worst TV theme songs of all time, beginning with the
worst.
This is much like I did when I evaluated the best and worst sitcoms of all time
a while back.

Once again, this will be purely subjective, and we will start with a list of Dishonorable Mention.
Worst can be divided into two basic categories:
Music which is simply Godawful on some level, and music which may seem
innocuous enough, but does little if anything to prepare you for what you are
about to see, or is based on the movie version of the same property, and does not improve upon it.
Or in fact makes it worse.
Or in fact is based on the movie version which wasn't much good to begin with.

The list of Dishonorable Mention will be in descending order from least
offensive to most, five of which will appear today, and five next time.
Then, the bottom ten will appear.
There seems to be some correlation between the quality of the music and the
quality of the shows.
But only some.
For instance, Petticoat Junction and Green Acres were pretty awful shows that
had pretty snazzy theme songs.

Let the list of Dishonorables begin:

20) "Taxi"-----Nothing really offensive here, but a complete mislead about
what you are going to see, which was usually a laugh riot.
The icy lead piccolo in the title music suggested God-Knows-What.

19) "Barney Miller"-----The bass guitar notes that introduced it, and what
followed suggested absolutely nothing.
Except background music for perhaps just about every porno movie you can name.
And most of those that you can't.
This is where the word "generic" was coined.

These are the two prime examples of theme music that simply left you dangling.

18) "M*A*S*H"----Turning a very hip theme in the movie version into something
very unhip.
Kind of like the overall relationship between the movie and the series.

17) "Matlock"---This is here for personal reasons. it's practically a direct
steal from the theme I wrote for my series, "Busting Loose".
And I don't see a nickel from it.

16) "Family Affair"----Not the worst tune in the world, but it sounds completely
pre-packaged. Like none of the musicians were in the same room at the same time.

Onward next time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

Taxicab Etiquette.

So I spent last week catching up on some more Broadway Shows, which I will
write about soon.
This meant shlepping into the city from Darien Connecticut.
This is fine in the daytime.
But at night, one is faced with the prospect of there being no cabs at the
train station when I return, thus having to deal with a somewhat ornery wife,
whom I have to awaken from a somewhat ornery sleep, to pick me up.
This is something I try to avoid at all costs.
The elements are also an element.
It's far worse if there are no cabs and it is pouring rain.
There was pouring rain last Tuesday night.
And there was one taxi sitting there unoccupied.
I make my way into it.
The driver spots what looked like a homeless man sitting on the steps of the
train station, undergoing the process of getting drenched.
He asks this man if he'd like to share the cab.
He does not ask me if it's all right with me if this man shares the cab with
me.
He simply offers this opportunity to this apparently homeless man to apparently
at least get out of the rain.
Under the circumstances, I had no objections, save for the fact that it was my
cab, and the driver didn't ask my permission to have someone to share the cab
with me.
This was mitigated as I had no objections under the circumstances.
The miserable creature I shared the cab with had two large white plastic bags
that most-likely contained all of his belongings.
I couldn't imagine where this cab would be taking him.
He hopped into the back seat, pushing his plastic bags towards me, forcing me
against the door of the cab, leaving me no breathing room.
He then pulled out a Big Mac, still in it's wrapping, removed the wrapping,
and began eating it.
It smelled horrible, as most Big Macs do.
He smelled horrible, as most homeless people do.
I openly confronted him.
"You know, I let you share my cab (like I had any say in the matter), the
least you can do is not eat in front of me."
He mumbled something, and put the Big Mac back in it's wrapper.
We arrive at my hotel, and for some reason, I give the cab drive a somewhat
generous tip and the full fare.
I enter the hotel lobby.
Shortly thereafter, my fellow passenger informs me that the driver has demanded
the same fare for him to pay.
The driver was engaging in double-clocking.
And if he, my fellow passenger, was to continue on to his destination,
if he indeed had one, the meter would still be running.
And he was blaming me for all this.
And if he had a gun on him, which at that point was not an unreasonable
expectation, and pulled it on me, I would have gladly taken the blame and paid
him whatever he wanted.
But he didn't, which caused me to say "Be on your way."
He left, and most-likely abandoned the cab driver and parked himself outside
the hotel.

So who was at fault here?
I think the Win Pool goes to the cab driver, who proved not only to be not
a Good Samaritan, but was looking to gouge some poor, if ill-mannered homeless
person.
The Place Pool goes to my fellow passenger for being inconsiderate in general.
Homelessness does not excuse this.
And then there's me, who was of course, absolutely blameless.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

Having A Writer And An Actress Hate You Simultaneously For The Same Reason.

Last time, when I described the episode of "Busting Loose" that Linda Lavin
attended the filming of, I did not describe the brouhaha that preceded
it.
The episode, depicting Adam Arkin's character, Lenny, getting dumped by
an old girlfriend who now wants him back, was borne out of one of our
female writers' desire to find a good part for one of her friends,
an actress who was part of the original ensemble cast of a legendary
prize-winning musical on Broadway.
I saw this actress in that show, and she was very good, as was everyone else
in it.
I encouraged the writer, whom I understand has recently passed away, to proceed,
bearing in mind that the actress in question would still have to audition.
The writer took this as sort of a slap in the face, but I insisted.
I'd only seen this actress in one part.
I needed more evidence that she'd be right for this one.
The script started taking shape, and sight unseen, I was starting to have
my doubts about this actress, based on what I was seeing in the script.
The actress in question was not what you'd call beautiful.
In fact, in the musical, she sang a song about how she wasn't beautiful.
She had sort of a Streisand-ish nose, which wasn't a help.
The problem with hiring this actress was not only that she came across
as too nice, but that she simply wasn't worth the candle.
Lenny was supposed to be wooed by her.
It was to have been almost successful, and then fail.
With this actress, there was too much likeability, and no wooing potential.
I told the writer that for these reasons, I was inclined to hire somebody else.
Knowing my partner's (I had a partner) reputation for never having my back,
she did an end-run around me and appealed directly to him to get me to
change my mind.
But it didn't work.
Purely on the basis that he knew that I'd made the right aesthetic decision.
Of course, it never should have gotten that far.
If someone had tried "Divide-and-Conquer" on me about him, I would have
defended him to the hilt, right or wrong.
That's what partners are supposed to do.
But maybe the fact that he actually agreed with me on his own volition carried
more weight with the writer and the actress.
And maybe the hatred was spread around a little bit.

So we hired a much prettier actress who had no problem playing a bitch,
and it worked great.
It was simply the writer's fault that she wrote a part for her friend that she
wasn't right for, and no amount of hatred was going to change that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

More about Linda Lavin.

It's a shame she didn't win the Tony last night.
She was great.
What I found interesting was the comment left by one of
my readers: about how wonderful she has always been, and how
she and the rest of the cast of "Alice" were not served very well
by their writers.
I found it interesting because that's exactly how I felt, and what
I had intended to write about.
I also found it interesting because that's apparently exactly how
SHE felt about it.
She once attended a filming of one of my sitcoms, "Busting Loose".
She was a friend of one of the cast members.
Not only was she bowled over by the level of the writing, but also
by our imaginative use of sets.
In this particular instance, I am going to take full credit.
The script involved our hero, as portrayed by Adam Arkin, hooking
up with an old girlfriend who had unceremoniously dumped him
previously.
The two staff writers working on the script were looking for an
exotic, yet affordable location for the former lovers to relive
old times.
I suggested underneath the stands at the high school football stadium.
I then suggested that the scene take place at night, during an actual
game.
This meant hiring a lot of extras where we'd only see their legs.
But they'd be able to drop stuff like popcorn and soda through the
openings in the bleachers onto the two former lovers.
An expensive joke, but one I felt was well worth it.
When I met Linda Lavin later that night, she was effusive in her
praise. Particularly about how great having that football stadium
set was. She then got particularly wistful and said "If only I had
writers who would think like this. Who would think about ANYTHING"

The Show Runners on "Alice" were Bob Carroll Jr. and Madelyn Davis,
primarily known for their work on "I Love Lucy", where their primary
job was trying to figure out how to get Lucy locked in the freezer,
or how to get that trophy stuck on her head.
Stuff like that.
This is who they got to turn a sophisticated movie like "Alice Doesn't
Live Here Anymore" into the TV sitcom drivel that was "Alice"
I disagree with my reader that the rest of the cast was also badly served.
The rest of the cast, the ones that Linda Lavin had to play straight to,
all played it way over the top.
But who knows? Maybe that was also the fault of the Show Runners.
And maybe they just couldn't figure out a way to get Alice locked in the freezer.

More about that episode of "Busting Loose" next time.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

Report Card---"The Lyons"

This is the last Broadway Report Card before the Tony Awards.

"The Lyons" is a play that I highly recommend.
It stars Linda Lavin, who is nominated for best actress, although the play is not.
Linda Lavin is great in this, and certainly deserves the nomination.
The play is not nominated, and I consider this criminal.
It's not quite as good as Clybourne Park", but nothing is.
"The Lyons" is a ball-busting and gut-busting comedy with a tremendous dramatic
underpinning.
It is about major family discord, dying, and keeping secrets.

On to the scoring:

Is it interesting?

Very much so.
A+.

Compelling even?

Quite often.
A+.

Is it good storytelling?
Excellent.
A+.

Is it well written?

The dialogue is first-rate.
A+.

Is it well cast? Well played?, Well staged?

Yes to all three. Linda Lavin and Dick Latessa in particular are wonderful.
A+

Is it too long? Too short?

The length is perfect.
A+.

Is it believable? Do you care about the characters?

Yes, and yes, tremendously on all counts.
A+.

Is it predictable? Does it surprise you?

Always surprising.
A+.

Is it worth the forty bucks I paid to get in?

Absolutely.
A+.

Is it controversial?

Somewhat.
A.

Do you think about it after you've seen it?

There's what to mull over.
A.

Is it funny?

It is fucking hilarious.
A+.

Is it a story worth telling?

Yet even more.
A+.

Is it impressive ?

Highly.
A+


Overall grade: A.

I can't imagine why this wasn't at least nominated for best play.

More about Linda Lavin next time.

------------------------
------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******