I referred to myself a while back as the Lord of the Idiots when I wrote about thinking my rental car was stolen and calling the police when I was in L.A.
And it turned out that it was there, right in front of me, light grey when I thought it was black.
Continuing in that tradition, I just completed a series of articles about ending my idiotic addiction to "Saturday Night Live".
But I didn't feel that it was worthy of awarding me any new royal titles.
Then, today, something happened that I consider to be "royal title worthy".
The Triple Crown, or the Hat Trick, as it were.
And the title that I've chosen for myself is "Lord Mayor of the Idiots".
This does not mean that I have to forego my first title.
I can, with no trouble at all, carry one on each shoulder.
This morning, my wife asked me to bring my computer in from our bedroom to the kitchen, where her computer was.
She wanted to sync it up to hers in some fashion.
Me: Do I have to? It means unplugging and replugging everything.
She: What are you talking about? It'll just take a few minutes. You've got to have enough battery life for that.
Me: I don't have ANY battery life.
She: What do you mean, you don't have any battery life?
Me: Just what I said. This computer doesn't have any battery life.
She: You just got this computer three months ago. Why wouldn't it have any battery life?
Me: I don't know, but it doesn't.
She: What happens when you remove the power cord?
Me: There's no power. It goes to black, and stays that way. Until I put the power cord back in.
She: Well...that's not supposed to happen.
Me: I didn't think so either. But it does.
She: I think you should call your Technical Support people. They should straighten this out. You should have battery life.
The point was well made. I called my technical support people, who also had sold me the computer.
I immediately went on offense.
Me: (Once the amenities and the security clearances were out of the way) I have no battery life on this thing that you sold me!
Them: (After taking control of my computer, in their Indian accents, and running a series of tests) We don't detect any battery connected to the computer. Turn it over and see if there is one installed.
I oblige, and immediately notice that there is, in fact, no battery installed. Only a space where the battery would BE installed.
Me: There is none installed. It looks like you never sent me one.
Them: And you're just noticing this now?
Me: I never had to use the battery before this.
Them: You never wanted to?
Me: I wanted to, but I just assumed the damned thing had no battery life. There wasn't anything else in the box.
Them: Are you sure?
Me: Fortunately, I have the box right here in front of me. (For whatever reason, I hadn't thrown the box away.)
Them: Why don't you look to see if it's in there?
Me: Okay. I'll humor you, but it's not in there.
I opened the box.
I didn't see no goddamn battery.
Me: I don't see no goddamn battery! Send me a battery!
Them: Look closer.
Me: Okay. I'll humor you again. I'll look closer.
I looked closer. In the inner corner, I saw a little cardboard oblong. I opened it. There was the battery.
I suppose that would have been enough to add to my royal title, but then, it took me a good fifteen minutes to figure out how to install it properly.
It wouldn't fit, and of course, I then blamed them for sending me the wrong battery.
All it took to install it right was to close the lid on the laptop.
It then installed like a dream.
I then apologized profusely, but the guy couldn't hear me.
He was too busy laughing.
And I'm sure he told the whole office about the Lord Mayor of the Idiots, or perhaps the Maharajah of the Idiots, who didn't know he didn't have a battery.
And then they all went home and told the story to their families over their curry-filled dinners.
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays", and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at email@example.com.
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne & Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
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- mark rothman
- Hi. I am, according to my Wikipedia entry,(which I did not create) a noted television writer, playwright, screenwriter, and occasional actor. You can Google me or go to the IMDB to get my credits, and you can come here to get my opinions on things, which I'll try to express eloquently. Hopefully I'll succeed. You can also e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Perhaps my biggest claim to fame is being responsible, for about six months in 1975, while Head Writer for the "Happy Days" TV series, for Americans saying to each other "Sit on it."