Prostate surgery.
So I'll be gone for a few days.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Thursday, April 21, 2016
The Two Varieties Of Human Beings.
What do these ten names have in common?
Fred Astaire
Cary Grant
Lawrence Olivier
Queen Elizabeth
Katherine Hepburn
Jennifer Aniston
Walter Cronkite
James Stewart
James Cagney
Hillary Clinton
------------------------
In my humble opinion, these are ten people whom I can't possibly imagine being on the toilet.
Perhaps they've never gone.
On the flip side, here are the top ten (in my opinion) people whom I can most easily imagine on the toilet.
Bernie Sanders
Jack Klugman
Jerry Lewis
Groucho and Chico Marx (as an entry)
Totie Fields
Redd Foxx
Joe E. Ross
Ernest Borgnine
Walter Matthau
and last, but certainly not least, Ethel Merman.
This is certainly not a moral judgment.
I'm not implying that one group is superior to the other.
This is purely an esthetic evaluation.
This subject came up as I was watching an episode of "The Dick Cavett Show" on the Decades Channel.
The guests were Burt Reynolds and Carol Burnett.
Burt Reynolds brought up the subject with "Kirk Douglas never goes to the bathroom."
Cavett then turned to Carol Burnett, apparently having discussed the topic previously with her.
She then offered up a name of someone who one can immediately envision on the crapper.
And she said, without batting an eyelash, "Ethel Merman".
And I laughed so hard that I literally fell on the floor.
Unfortunately, that is a way too common experience for me.
So I felt that this was worth sharing in this form, and taking it to this next level.
And I invite my readers to offer up possible contenders to crack either Top Ten in the Comments section.
By the way, I hope you all notice that the blog is now much easier to read.
You no longer have to scroll down the page to start reading an article.
As I am computer illiterate, I never knew how to get rid of all those Stat Counter signs.
My new agent noticed it, and said he could fix it. And he did.
So even if he doesn't get me any work, I will be eternally grateful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred Astaire
Cary Grant
Lawrence Olivier
Queen Elizabeth
Katherine Hepburn
Jennifer Aniston
Walter Cronkite
James Stewart
James Cagney
Hillary Clinton
------------------------
In my humble opinion, these are ten people whom I can't possibly imagine being on the toilet.
Perhaps they've never gone.
On the flip side, here are the top ten (in my opinion) people whom I can most easily imagine on the toilet.
Bernie Sanders
Jack Klugman
Jerry Lewis
Groucho and Chico Marx (as an entry)
Totie Fields
Redd Foxx
Joe E. Ross
Ernest Borgnine
Walter Matthau
and last, but certainly not least, Ethel Merman.
This is certainly not a moral judgment.
I'm not implying that one group is superior to the other.
This is purely an esthetic evaluation.
This subject came up as I was watching an episode of "The Dick Cavett Show" on the Decades Channel.
The guests were Burt Reynolds and Carol Burnett.
Burt Reynolds brought up the subject with "Kirk Douglas never goes to the bathroom."
Cavett then turned to Carol Burnett, apparently having discussed the topic previously with her.
She then offered up a name of someone who one can immediately envision on the crapper.
And she said, without batting an eyelash, "Ethel Merman".
And I laughed so hard that I literally fell on the floor.
Unfortunately, that is a way too common experience for me.
So I felt that this was worth sharing in this form, and taking it to this next level.
And I invite my readers to offer up possible contenders to crack either Top Ten in the Comments section.
By the way, I hope you all notice that the blog is now much easier to read.
You no longer have to scroll down the page to start reading an article.
As I am computer illiterate, I never knew how to get rid of all those Stat Counter signs.
My new agent noticed it, and said he could fix it. And he did.
So even if he doesn't get me any work, I will be eternally grateful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, April 17, 2016
F. Lee. Part Two.
Last time, I alluded to F. Lee Bailey when I described the funniest "Odd Couple" joke I ever wrote.
This time I will allude to something almost as funny.
In the early 80's (according to Wikipedia, although I could swear it was earlier) There was a daytime syndicated TV
show called "Lie Detector".
It was hosted by F. Lee Bailey.
It was, in its way, one of television's first "reality" shows.
It was a half-hour show during which someone had a claim ,to make, usually his or her innocence regarding a crime,
told his or her story, and then was hooked up to a polygraph, with a legitimate polygraph tester supervising it.
There were usually two interviewees per show.
It seemed like the interviewee almost invariably failed the polygraph test.
F. Lee's role was to listen to the interviewee's story, usually with some overt skepticism, and when the polygraphee failed the test, F. Lee would overtly subject the polygraphee to his unique, humorless brand of scorn.
Along with the warning that you simply can't fool the polygraph.
This, of course, has since been disproved, although there is certainly a high degree of effectiveness.
But it's been supplanted by DNA evidence.
"Lie Detector" is now a product of the Stone Age.
It's a shame, though.
I remember a small-time judge, who was literally on his way to the slammer. I think he had a cab outside the studio
with the meter running, making the case for his innocence. Guilt just dripped from this guy's face.
Of course, he failed the polygraph.
This was simply a Hail Mary Pass.
And then, Bailey simply and piously heaped abuse upon him.
I found it hilarious.
It was consistently hilarious.
What he did has since been taken over by Maury Povich, whom I recall, used to have a somewhat respectable career before he turned his show into a DNA dominated version of "Who's the Real Father?"
F. Lee could have certainly brought his brand of mock-gravitas to something like that.
He represented O.J.
He's proven that he's certainly not above it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This time I will allude to something almost as funny.
In the early 80's (according to Wikipedia, although I could swear it was earlier) There was a daytime syndicated TV
show called "Lie Detector".
It was hosted by F. Lee Bailey.
It was, in its way, one of television's first "reality" shows.
It was a half-hour show during which someone had a claim ,to make, usually his or her innocence regarding a crime,
told his or her story, and then was hooked up to a polygraph, with a legitimate polygraph tester supervising it.
There were usually two interviewees per show.
It seemed like the interviewee almost invariably failed the polygraph test.
F. Lee's role was to listen to the interviewee's story, usually with some overt skepticism, and when the polygraphee failed the test, F. Lee would overtly subject the polygraphee to his unique, humorless brand of scorn.
Along with the warning that you simply can't fool the polygraph.
This, of course, has since been disproved, although there is certainly a high degree of effectiveness.
But it's been supplanted by DNA evidence.
"Lie Detector" is now a product of the Stone Age.
It's a shame, though.
I remember a small-time judge, who was literally on his way to the slammer. I think he had a cab outside the studio
with the meter running, making the case for his innocence. Guilt just dripped from this guy's face.
Of course, he failed the polygraph.
This was simply a Hail Mary Pass.
And then, Bailey simply and piously heaped abuse upon him.
I found it hilarious.
It was consistently hilarious.
What he did has since been taken over by Maury Povich, whom I recall, used to have a somewhat respectable career before he turned his show into a DNA dominated version of "Who's the Real Father?"
F. Lee could have certainly brought his brand of mock-gravitas to something like that.
He represented O.J.
He's proven that he's certainly not above it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, April 11, 2016
F. Lee. Part One.
F. Lee Bailey has been much discussed lately, primarily because of his involvement in the O.J case, as recently
depicted in the series, "The Case Against O.J. Simpson"
Bailey was portrayed by Nathan Lane, who was quite appealing, although I don't think he very accurately portrayed him.
I've never seen Bailey to demonstrate any form of a sense of humor.
Lane was downright droll.
My two associations with F. Lee Bailey were actually quite funny.
Add to that, when Bailey was asked for pointers as to how he should be played replied, "Just don't portray
Robert Shapiro in an attractive light". He got his wish.
But those weren't either of my associations.
One of mine involved the best joke I ever wrote for "The Odd Couple".
And it never even got shot.
Every year on "The Odd Couple" we did a courtroom show.
In the courtroom show where Felix sued Hugh Hefner because (in a flashback) Felix takes nude photos of his future wife so she can be a potential Playmate of the Month and Hefner decides to use the photo.
Felix tries to get an injunction against it.
Of course, Felix acted as his own attorney.
And he always found a way to humiliate Oscar on the witness stand.
Oscar worked for Hefner at this point.
And when Felix attempted to discredit him, he called Oscar "one of those nameless, faceless men who skulk the hallways of every major cartel".
The most quoted line from one of these courtroom shows was when they got arrested for ticket scalping.
The form of humiliation here was how there was no intention to scalp the ticket.
They just had an extra one because Oscar couldn't get a date.
No matter how hard he tried.
This was the episode that spawned the now immortal line----
"Never assume. Because when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me".
Before the courtroom scene in the Hefner show, we wrote a scene showing Felix bringing a stack of books into the living room.
Oscar: What have you got there, Felix?
Felix: Law books! I went to a used bookstore and bought them. Boy when I get through Hefner, he'll be sorry he started up with Unger!
Oscar: (Taking the top book off of Felix's stack, opens it and looks at the inside cover) "To F. Lee, from Mom"
His mother called him F. Lee?
I think that's a perfect joke.
But it was decided to cut the scene after the first run-through.
We were running very long, and the scene really wasn't necessary.
This certainly wasn't the first time my heart was broken.
This is the first opportunity I've had to expose this joke in public.
I hope you've enjoyed it.
Next time, I'll relate the other association with F. Lee Bailey that never failed to make me laugh.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
depicted in the series, "The Case Against O.J. Simpson"
Bailey was portrayed by Nathan Lane, who was quite appealing, although I don't think he very accurately portrayed him.
I've never seen Bailey to demonstrate any form of a sense of humor.
Lane was downright droll.
My two associations with F. Lee Bailey were actually quite funny.
Add to that, when Bailey was asked for pointers as to how he should be played replied, "Just don't portray
Robert Shapiro in an attractive light". He got his wish.
But those weren't either of my associations.
One of mine involved the best joke I ever wrote for "The Odd Couple".
And it never even got shot.
Every year on "The Odd Couple" we did a courtroom show.
In the courtroom show where Felix sued Hugh Hefner because (in a flashback) Felix takes nude photos of his future wife so she can be a potential Playmate of the Month and Hefner decides to use the photo.
Felix tries to get an injunction against it.
Of course, Felix acted as his own attorney.
And he always found a way to humiliate Oscar on the witness stand.
Oscar worked for Hefner at this point.
And when Felix attempted to discredit him, he called Oscar "one of those nameless, faceless men who skulk the hallways of every major cartel".
The most quoted line from one of these courtroom shows was when they got arrested for ticket scalping.
The form of humiliation here was how there was no intention to scalp the ticket.
They just had an extra one because Oscar couldn't get a date.
No matter how hard he tried.
This was the episode that spawned the now immortal line----
"Never assume. Because when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me".
Before the courtroom scene in the Hefner show, we wrote a scene showing Felix bringing a stack of books into the living room.
Oscar: What have you got there, Felix?
Felix: Law books! I went to a used bookstore and bought them. Boy when I get through Hefner, he'll be sorry he started up with Unger!
Oscar: (Taking the top book off of Felix's stack, opens it and looks at the inside cover) "To F. Lee, from Mom"
His mother called him F. Lee?
I think that's a perfect joke.
But it was decided to cut the scene after the first run-through.
We were running very long, and the scene really wasn't necessary.
This certainly wasn't the first time my heart was broken.
This is the first opportunity I've had to expose this joke in public.
I hope you've enjoyed it.
Next time, I'll relate the other association with F. Lee Bailey that never failed to make me laugh.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, April 7, 2016
A Uniquely Unusual Commercial.
They've got this commercial running in the Chicago area.
Maybe it's even running nationally.
It's for elderly people.
For a knee brace.
The manufacturer isn't even mentioned.
There's just a phone number.
The commercial is done in animation.
There's a little black child, and her much older black grandmother.
Here's the dialogue:
Ellie: Grandma, can you come put and play?
Grandma: Sure, Ellie, oh my, you might want to c'mere and help Grandma.
Ellie: What's the matter, Grandma, can you stand?
Grandma: Oh, sorry honey, it's ma' knees.
They just don't work the way they used to.
Then, there's the pitch for the knee brace.
Grandma's gotten the knee brace And now, she's roller blading down the street at about seventy miles an hour.
Ellie: Grandma, slow down! I can't keep up.
Grandma: Maybe you can use a knee brace too, Ellie.
Catch me if you can, kiddo!
Okay. I have no idea how well this knee brace really works, and we're only dealing with animation.
But here's the kicker, folks.
Several weeks into the running of this commercial, the same commercial is run, only now, Ellie and Grandma are white.
The same commercial, the same voiceovers, only now they're white.
I guess somebody figured out that they are omitting a major market share by being black to begin with.
Now they seem to randomly show the black version and the white version.
Is this racist?
I don't know.
All I know is that I've never seen anything like it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe it's even running nationally.
It's for elderly people.
For a knee brace.
The manufacturer isn't even mentioned.
There's just a phone number.
The commercial is done in animation.
There's a little black child, and her much older black grandmother.
Here's the dialogue:
Ellie: Grandma, can you come put and play?
Grandma: Sure, Ellie, oh my, you might want to c'mere and help Grandma.
Ellie: What's the matter, Grandma, can you stand?
Grandma: Oh, sorry honey, it's ma' knees.
They just don't work the way they used to.
Then, there's the pitch for the knee brace.
Grandma's gotten the knee brace And now, she's roller blading down the street at about seventy miles an hour.
Ellie: Grandma, slow down! I can't keep up.
Grandma: Maybe you can use a knee brace too, Ellie.
Catch me if you can, kiddo!
Okay. I have no idea how well this knee brace really works, and we're only dealing with animation.
But here's the kicker, folks.
Several weeks into the running of this commercial, the same commercial is run, only now, Ellie and Grandma are white.
The same commercial, the same voiceovers, only now they're white.
I guess somebody figured out that they are omitting a major market share by being black to begin with.
Now they seem to randomly show the black version and the white version.
Is this racist?
I don't know.
All I know is that I've never seen anything like it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@comcast.net
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments