It finally happened.
After almost forty years, I finally came to my senses.
Or at least what's left of my senses.
At long last, I voluntarily avoided watching, taping, or tivoing a new episode of "Saturday Night Live".
And I will continue along this path for the rest of my life.
I should have done this years ago.
Like, about forty years ago.
A few days ago, I made a concerted effort to list the times the show actually made me laugh out loud.
It came to about fourteen.
Fourteen in almost forty years.
That's w-a-a-a-y below the Mendoza Line.
For the uninformed, the Mendoza Line was named after Mario Mendoza, former major leaguer who was a good infielder with absolutely no ability to hit.
He must have been a good fielder, or they'd never keep him in the lineup.
He ended his career with a lifetime batting average of about .202.
That's w-a-a-a-y better than "Saturday Night Live" did.
Why did I stick with it so long?
I don't know.
I guess I always approached it with a sense of optimism.
Like the little boy who went to his room on his birthday and discovered that the floor was covered with shit.
And his reaction was ""It must be a pony!"
When it was on originally, I was about the same age as the first cast.
It seemed like the "hip" thing to do.
Back then, it was also hip to smoke.
I never smoked.
But I guess it had the same effect on me as nicotine would.
Belushi was certainly a compelling force of nature.
He accounts for two of the times I laughed out loud.
And how could you not love Gilda?
But the sketches never had endings.
Lorne Michaels seemed to pride himself on not remotely doing anything that Carol Burnett would do.
Like being w-a-a-a-y over the Mendoza Lne.
Like having endings for sketches.
And he kept recycling sketches that worked the first time.
And those that didn't.
That last group was really torture.
He's still doing parodies of game shows.
And it's always the same joke.
The contestants never know anything, much to the frustration of the emcee.
For almost forty years.
The only thing older than that joke is Don Pardo.
The show has always been so predictable that you know that the "Jeopardy" parody will come on in the first half-hour.
And the first musical number will be around midnight.
And "Weekend Update" will be on around 12:15.
And every sketch after "Weekend Update" will be weaker than those on before "Weekend Update"
And that the second musical number will be on at roughly 12:48.
And that the sketch following that will NEVER be remotely funny.
I can see that I'm going to be long-winded about this topic, and I'm already panting.
So we'll pick this up next time.
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays", and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne & Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
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- mark rothman
- Hi. I am, according to my Wikipedia entry,(which I did not create) a noted television writer, playwright, screenwriter, and occasional actor. You can Google me or go to the IMDB to get my credits, and you can come here to get my opinions on things, which I'll try to express eloquently. Hopefully I'll succeed. You can also e-mail me at email@example.com. Perhaps my biggest claim to fame is being responsible, for about six months in 1975, while Head Writer for the "Happy Days" TV series, for Americans saying to each other "Sit on it."