Okay, You Want Curmudgeon, I'll Give You Curmudgeon.

I've gotten quite a few comments on the blog where my curmudgeonly attitude is appreciated.
This one's for you.
I recently heard a female comic on TV, (I think it was Sarah Silverman, but don't quote me.) tell a story about her mother and how funny she was.
She would do things like go to a restaurant, and if the service was slow, or the butter was too hard, would take out her cell phone, call the restaurant she was in and ask to speak to the manager to get her problem solved.
I thought that this was hilarious, and had every notion to apply this idea to my own arsenal if the opportunity ever presented itself.
It didn't take long.
You didn't think it would, did you?
Given a good reason, I'm usually rude to waiters.
I'll cut waitresses a little more slack, but they're usually nicer to begin with.
Call me sexist. I don't care.
My wife and I went to a very upscale pricey steakhouse in my neighborhood last Saturday night.
We had never been there before.
My wife is always on her best behavior, which is exemplary.
She does not respond well to my excursions into rudeness.
But, to her credit, she puts up with me.
The waiter comes over to take our order.
Kind of a smartass.
I ask for the house salad with blue cheese dressing.
It came with the entrée.
I don't usually order two salads. But I also wanted a Caesar Salad.
He asks me if I want blue cheese crumbles on top of the house salad..
I ask "Is there an extra charge for the crumbles?"
He replies "Yes. There is."
I see my opening.
I ask, "So if I didn't ask, you wouldn't have told me? No crumbles."
I love the crumbles.
But I felt that it was more important to admonish him for his poor communication skills.
He took the rest of the order, and left.
I never saw him again.
He was replaced by a much nicer waiter.
I'm sure that the first one told the kitchen "I don't want to serve that asshole"
The rest of our order consisted of a bowl of Lobster Bisque, a Caesar Salad that we were going to split, a New York Steak for me, and scallops for my wife.
I'd asked if I could have anchovies with the Caesar Salad.
I was told they didn't have any, but that there was anchovy paste already in the salad.
This begs the question "so how do they make the anchovy paste? There must be anchovies somewhere."
I had brought a small tin of King Oscar Brand anchovies from home.
This is what one does if you're me.
They bring out the Lobster Bisque.
It is way too tomatoey.
I let it go.
Then, they bring out the entrees and the Caesar Salad simultaneously.
The waiter, after I complained said "I thought the Caesar Salad was just for your wife."
I had specifically told him that we were going to split it. We needed two plates.
Her scallops were considered a side dish.
I applied the anchovies to the Caesar Salad. It was the only thing that prevented it from being a complete abomination.
But I didn't complain about how any of the food was prepared.
Restaurants make things the way they make things.
Then, I attempted to try my steak.
I had been given a steak-knife.
I couldn't cut through it. And it was already cold from trying to down the Caesar Salad first.
I noticed the man at the next table. He had also ordered a steak, and seemed to be having trouble cutting through it.
I asked him if he was having trouble cutting his steak.
Indeed, he was.
My moment had arrived.
I got out my cellphone and called the restaurant. I asked to speak to the manager.
After a few seconds, he got on the phone.
I said "I'm all the way in the back. I'm the guy with the cane. And thanks for seating me here. I needed the extra walking. (There
were plenty of closer places I could have been seated.) Please come to my table."
Shortly, the man showed up. He asked "What seems to be the problem?"
I replied "Where do I begin? Well, first and foremost this steak-knife is too dull to cut this steak. Do you see that guy over there? His steak-knife is too dull to cut his steak"
He replied "Oh, is that all? I'll bring you a sharper one."
I said, you might want to bring him a sharper one too.
He immediately returned with another knife for me. And for my new friend at the next table.
It cut through the steak like butter.
I looked at my friend at the next table.
He gave me the high sign.
I said to the manager "Let me get this straight. The only way you get a sharp knife in this steakhouse is by making a scene like this to get one? Everybody else gets those dull ones unless they ask?"
He replied, well we just got these new ones in...."
It sounded pretty lame to me.
Then I went through the entire litany of what was wrong with the meal.
He said "I'm sorry sir. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Can I offer you a free dessert?"
I said "I don't want any free dessert. All I want from you is an admission that you wouldn't want to be treated the way you treated me.'
He made that admission willingly, probably pleased that he didn't have to spring for the spring for the free dessert.
How's that for curmudgeon?

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

The Ultimate "If It Bleeds, it Leads".

Yes, it's very sad that two young people, a reporter and a cameraman, were cut down in the prime of life.
I suppose it's even sadder that it happened on live TV.
But really, how much sadder?
It's certainly a lot more interesting, particularly since the video is so graphic.
Although, for the most part, they don't show you the actual shooting.
They stop just short of the trigger being pulled.
But it was shown on AOL, which means that it's pretty easy for it to go viral.
They've since pulled the graphic version, but it's still easily accessible if you want to go to the trouble.
On AOL, you got to see the young girl staring into the camera, much like a deer staring into the headlights.
It's frightening.
So congratulations to those networks that at least showed that much restraint.
But let's face it.
The shooter choreographed this whole thing.
He got exactly what he wanted out of this.
His dying wish, so to speak.
He got the whole world to pay attention to this.
At least for a 24 hour news cycle.
And networks have been eager to accommodate him.
Social media only makes things worse.
But this would have happened if social media didn't even exist.
People are murdered every day.
And they go largely unnoticed.
People no worse or less important than these folks in Virginia.
But for them, there are no outpourings of grief by politicians about them.
This whole thing reminds me of the Challenger disaster in 1986.
The entire country got to witness all those Astronauts get blown up.
But if the Shuttle had gotten far enough out of camera range, without everybody's family in attendance, it wouldn't have had the kind of impact that it did.
Other Astronauts were blown up in space on other Shuttles, but they aren't remembered because we didn't see it happen.
I generally abhor Local News, because the watchword on every broadcast is "If it bleeds, it leads".
Chicago is terrible for this.
Local news is unwatchable.
They always lead with a murder.
And there's a new one every day.
There's a numbing effect to it all.
So when one becomes a national story, it only compounds the felony.
There's no getting away from it.
The only positive outcome that can happen from this is if there is a considerable beefing up of gun control.
And class, what do we think the chances are of that happening?

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

A Blatantly Anti-Semitic Commercial.

I'm writing about this now, because I don't know how much longer it's going to be around.
The commercial is for the Volkswagen Jetta.
Germans, of all people, should be particularly sensitive to this sort of thing.
They're not.
Three elderly obviously Jewish women, with thick Jewish accents, are taking a test drive of the new Jetta.
There is a young obviously Gentile salesman who is chauffeuring them around.
They embarrassingly openly flirt with this young salesman, who claims to not be embarrassed.
He most certainly is.
He openly indulges them.
Anything to make the sale.
The women then proceed to engage in blatant open "hondling', a Yiddish expression meaning 'bargaining beyond every boundary of good taste".
And they agree to buy the car.
If these women weren't Jewish, this commercial would never bear any resemblance to reality.
I'm not saying that this sort of thing doesn't go on.
I'm sure it does.
All the time.
It's certainly nothing I'm proud of.
But it doesn't need to be nationally exposed like this.
It's the kind of thing that leads Gentiles to think, and even say out loud, "See, I told you. They're ALL like that".
And I'm afraid that far too many of us are.
But this certainly sustains the stereotype.
Anti-Semitism is still almost as prevalent as racism.
If you replaced every reference to "Mexicans" that Donald Trump makes, and replace it with the word "Jews", he would probably be met with at least as much enthusiasm.
That's how scary he is to me.
I don't think that Germans have the right to promulgate this sort of thing.
I know quite a few Jews who still won't buy any German car.
The Holocaust, after all. was not that long ago.

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Bungie.

There is this great dramatic series on Showtime called "Ray Donovan".
It stars Liev Schrieber, and Jon Voight has a major supporting part and is magnificent.
Schrieber plays Donovan and there is another actor who plays one of Donovan's brothers.
The character's name is Bungie.
It's astounding to me how events from one's past get triggered by something as seemingly insignificant as a character's name.
When I was a child, until my mid-twenties, my parents were friends with a couple from Boston, Bernie and Blanche Stone.
We would visit each other when we were in Boston, or they were in New York.
My memories of Blanche are rather vague.
But my memories of Bernie are totally vivid.
Bernie was one of my favorite people of all time.
He was a contemporary of my fathers.
I think that he was a little older.
If he's still alive, he'd be in his late 90's.
Bernie owned a record store in the late fifties.
He gave me my first Victrola when there were such things.
And my first record----David Seville's "Witch Doctor"
I loved Bernie.
He didn't have to do any of that to make me love him.
He was easily the most charming, engaging man I'd ever met.
And the Boston accent didn't hurt either.
After the Beach Boys, he stopped selling rock and roll records.
This coincided with my turning my ears off to rock and roll.
Obviously, Bernie was not without influence.
Bernie and Blanche had these friends, a couple who they'd often refer to as "Bunny and Gyawdge"
I don't specifically remember Bunny and Gyawge, but they remembered me.
Apparently, I was very appealing to them as a child.
I was an adorable baby, after all.
One thing I am certain of, is that their names were "Bunny" and "Gyawge".
They were never anything else.
But my mother, in her totally predictable way, once she mispronounced somebody's name, it remained that way for the rest of their and her lives.
No amount of correcting could make a difference.
I had a childhood friend named Steven Dezorett.
His mother played mah-jongg with my mother.
It didn't matter.
He was Steven Gazoreth, and his mother was Norma Gazoreth
And that was it. Forever.
I don't know if Norma ever had the need or desire to correct her.
If she did make the effort, it didn't take.
In the same tradition, it was never "Bunny and Gyawdge".
It was rather "Bungie and Gyawdge".
Nobody else ever called her 'Bungie".
Only my mother.
And everyone involved were way too polite to correct her.
Or maybe they, too had tried and failed.

The last time I saw Bernie was in Florida.
Bernie had retired to West Palm Beach.
I had gone with my parents to Nassau in the Caribbean to play Blackjack and brought them along.
And on the way back, I stopped off in West Palm Beach primarily so I could see Bernie again.
He was part of the agenda.
Also part of the agenda was seeing my Aunt Myrna, my mother's older divorced sister, who lived there.
Bernie had become a widower by that time.
And I knew a set-up was in the works.
I also knew it was a complete mismatch.
My Aunt Myrna was a complete loon.
The apple doesn't fall far from the other apple.
My mother was in the last six months of life, having suffered the ravages of cancer for about fifteen years..
My Aunt Myrna literally threw herself at Bernie, honestly thinking that she had a shot with him.
Bernie could not have handled it more deftly, with more aplomb.
He just oozed charm.
And my parents and I bore witness to all of this.
And of course, my mother did not check her "Bungies" at the door.
She was Bungie-ing all over the place.
It was "Bungie this, and Bungie that, here a Bungie there a Bungie, everywhere a Bungie, Bungie"
And Bernie just indulged her.
My Aunt Myrna actually had a boyfriend at the time.
His name was 'Bucky".
As Aunt Myrna started to realize that she was striking out with Bernie, she picked up the phone, and in an apartment way too small to provide any privacy, she got into a shouting match with Bucky which was way too embarrassing for all concerned.
Except for Aunt Myrna.
This was apparently standard operating procedure.
She even implied that there was someone "new" in her life, meaning Bernie.
This too rolled completely off of Bernie's back.
So now, when I watch "Ray Donovan" and Bungie is either addressed or referred to I am reduced to helpless snickering.

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

It's Time To Shut Down The Movie Theaters.

I can't for the life of me, figure out why anyone would go to the movies these days.
Not only is there nothing worth seeing, but you are literally taking your life in your hands.
People are getting physically attacked, shot and killed.
All of this to see Mad Max?
There may be a few good movies out there, but nothing that can't wait until they show up on HBO, or Netflix.
Most of us have large enough TV screens that we're not sacrificing anything to see these movies on a slightly smaller screen.
Do we honestly think that this trend of copycat crime, where lunatics, invade movie theaters to kill people, will ease up?
Or that better laws on gun control, or beefed up security is going to stop this?
All that's going to stop this is to shut down the movie theaters.
Have you noticed that this never occurs with live theater?
Even lunatics realize how overpriced live theater is.
Forty bucks to see a play? Are you crazy?
It's too much trouble for them.
So I have no problem with going to see a play.
So Hollywood is the problem, and it must come up with the solution.
So if you run a studio, turn everything to live streaming pay-per-view events.
Yes, you won't make money on popcorn anymore, but that only makes the movie-going experience even safer and healthier.
Yes, I'll miss the smell, but we all must make sacrifices.
Maybe they can figure out a way to pump the popcorn smell into the home and work out a home popcorn delivery system.
Fourteen year old boys will have to find another reason to leave the house.
If they Hollywood wants to save IMax, figure out a way to get it into the home.
You Hollywood guys are geniuses.
Figure out something.
There is an entire industry at stake.

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Watching Baseball With Tessie And Stanley.

I watch baseball on TV just about every day during the season.
I watch a lot of baseball.
I have the MLB package, that lets me see all the games being played.
I don't watch them all.
Only the ones I bet on.
People ask me who I root for.
I always tell them "I root for my money."
I approach betting the games scientifically.
As a result, I have a reasonably high expectation of winning.
Or at least winning more than I lose.
And I do pretty well.
But I get pretty angry on days that I lose.
I also invariably watch the games with the sound off.
They sneak commercials in places they never snuck them before.
They'll say things like "This pitching change is brought to you by Belle Tire".
It used to be brought to you by nobody.
Now, everything is a business.
The worst broadcaster in the major league games is here in Chicago. Ken Harrelson who does the White Sox games.
Harrelson is the last of a dying breed, which should already have been extinct.
He is an out-and-out "homer".
He actively roots for the White Sox. Constantly.
This is bad form.
It is bush-league at it's worst.
So you have to shut the sound off.
Baseball is a very easy game to watch with the sound off.
But you don't want to sit there in silence.
So what do you do, if you're me?
If you're me you turn on Spotify and listen to your music of choice.
As I sometimes get anxiety-ridden when the games aren't going my way, I look for the most uplifting, relaxing music I can find.
I've found it by listening to British Music Hall selections, as embodied by Tessie O'Shea (best known for appearing on the first Ed Sullivan Show that featured the Beatles) and Stanley Holloway best known for his appearance in the original production of "My Fair Lady" (You know. "I'm gettin' married in the morning...ding dong the bells are gonna chime...")
There is a wealth of wonderful material from both of them, all in that vein.
So I watch the games along with Tessie and Stanley.
And it beats the hell out of "This pitching change is brought to you by Belle Tire."

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****