Why I Can't Stand Chris Matthews Anymore, Part 3 or 4, I've Lost Count.

I'll be brief with this one.
Not only is he still calling out his guests for mispronouncing the name "Cheney", insisting that the family pronounces it "Cheeney", which isn't always the case (I've heard them pronounce it "Cheney") but now he consistently pronounces the word "Holocaust" as "Holly-caust"
Maybe Dick "Cheeney" pronounces it "Holly-caust"
In any case, Chris, shut up.

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Perhaps My Guiltiest Pleasure.

This is a truly embarrassing admission.
I am an unabashed fan of "Family Feud".
It's my favorite show.
I never miss it, which is almost impossible, as it is on almost constantly.
I have always loved the game itself, and have never claimed to be any better at it than anyone else, but I truly enjoy it when one of the contestants comes up with a particularly stupid answer.
This has been a truly long term addiction.
I've watched it from the 1980's in spite of Richard Dawson kissing all those women, through all the subsequent hosts who kept improving the experience.
Ray Coombs was quite entertaining before he committed suicide.
But nobody, I mean nobody is as good at hosting "Family Feud" as Steve Harvey.
He is as funny as anything.
In any context.
One thing that confuses me: they always offer the option to play or pass to whoever answers the tossup question.
I don't understand why anyone would opt to pass.
It is invariably a bad percentage move.
If that's your intent, why even try to answer the question?
You came to play, play.
I know that all the contestants are prompted to say "Good answer, good answer!" no matter how bad their teammates answers might be. And that's annoying, and only a small price to pay because they cop to it.
I'm constantly Tivoing it, so I always have at least twenty episodes on hand at any one time.
If you haven't checked in on it since Richard Dawson was kissing all the women, you all owe yourselves another go.
A word of caution: almost every question elicits some variation on the phrase "My dick" or My boobs" or both.
If this offends you, I suggest that you loosen up.
I promise you that it will be worth it.
And I say this with no shame.
That's how funny it is.

----------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

One Of The Great Jokes.

I am about to tell you what I consider to be one of the great jokes.
I would be surprised to learn that you are familiar with it, because I've never met anyone who has heard it before whenever I've told it .
Let me preface it by alerting you that it might be perceived as completely racist, sexist, with one of the filthiest punch-lines you'll ever hear.
If this puts you off, stop right here and come back next time.

Okay. Here goes.
It's Harlem in the 1930s.
Doctor George "Kingfish" Stevens is strolling down 125th Street.
As he passes the Apollo Theater, he encounters his good friend and colleague Andrew H. Brown.

Andy: Hello dere, Kingfish.
Kingfish: Ohhhh, hello dere brother Andy! It's been a while.
Andy: Yeah, I guess it has.
Kingfish: Are you feelin' all right, son?
Andy: Oh yeah. I feels fine.
Kingfish: Are you sure? Because you looks bad!
Andy: Well that's strange, because I feels good.
Kingfish: Well you may feels good, but you looks bad!!
Andy: This is beyond my comprehensiveness, because I feels good!
Kingfish: Son, you looks bad! And you can't take any chances with your health.
Look, my office is just a few doors down. Why don't you let me check you out.
So they head up to Doctor Kingfish's office and Andy gets a complete examination.
Kingfish can't find anything wrong with Andy.
Andy: I told you! I feels good!
Kingfish: That may be, but you still looks bad! Uh, maybe we's approaching this the wrong way.
Lemme look through the Encyclopedia of Medicine, dere. It's got all the answers!
Kingfish gets the Encyclopedia of Medicine from down off a high shelf.
He starts rummaging through it.
Kingfish: Let me see, dere...."Looks good, feels good"...
Andy: That's not it!
Kingfish: Oh yeah, you're right. Uh, "Looks bad, feels bad"...
Andy: That ain't it either!
Kingfish: Looks good and feels bad?
Andy: No, no, no! That's not it!!
Kingfish: You're right. It ain't. Oh wait a minute. Here it is. "Looks bad, and feels good"
Doctor Kingfish slowly lifts his head and stares Andy dead in the eye.
Kingfish: I wants you to brace yourself. Brother Andy...son...you a vagina!!
----------------------
If you liked it, tell your friends.
f you didn't, keep it to yourself.
But if you got this far, how could you not like it?
In any case, I don't want to hear any voices of protest.
You've all been warned.
And I just had a stroke.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

When Life Imitates Art A Little Too Closely.

One more hospital story:

In my last hospital stay, I was easily placed in the coldest room in the hospital.
This was not by choice.
I was constantly asking for more blankets, and they were all thin ones, and never enough.
I was freezing every night.
Then, about two days before I checked out, everyone received warm, lush blankets.
The kind I wished I had for my entire stay.
I asked one of the nurses why, all of a sudden, we were getting these blankets.
I was told that there was going to be an inspection by someone who mattered, and after the inspection, they were going to be taken back.
I insisted that I keep mine, and they acquiesced.
This situation ran parallel to a scene in Billy Wilder's great "Stalag 17", where the Red Cross was going to inspect the American P.O.W. barracks, so the Nazis supplied the P.O.W.'s with fresh linens and blankets.
As soon as the Red Cross representatives left, the linens and blankets were removed, and the P.O.W.s were left to sleep in whatever lice ridden filth they had before.
Needless to say, I complained long and loud about it, and even offered up the "Stalag 17" analogy.
Comparing them to Nazis.
It pretty much fell upon deaf ears.
I think that I was very lucky to get out of there when I did.
That hospital did very much to advance my recovery, but I spent a whole lot of unnecessary frigid nights.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

"You Are Cool! " Part 2..

The latter group of those about whom one can legitimately sarcastically say "You are cool!" contain several political figures, exclusively of the Republican variety.
I suppose a case can be made that all Republicans can be put in that category, and that there really isn't any variety among them.
I wouldn't say it about Rick Santorum, or Paul Ryan.
I don't agree with a word they say, but they both seem to handle themselves with at least some dignity.
On the far, other end of the spectrum is Bobby Jindal.
The idea that this man is attempting to run for President is so short-sighted.
Where does he think he's going to get people to vote for him?
Who on earth is going to vote for someone who so closely resembles Alfred E. Neuman?
It's not just his looks.
He seems to have the emptiest head of any politician out there.
There's not even any concept of cool.

Ann Coulter goes on TV whenever anyone lets her so she can hawk her latest book, where she yells and yammers and has nothing good to say about anyone.
Yeah, Ann, you are cool.

Bill Kristol, the political columnist, as opposed to Billy Crystal, the great entertainer, who appears far too regularly on "This Week With George Stephanopolous" as the representative of smarminess has another claim to the title----he is invariably wrong about everything.
He is often asked to offer up a prediction about something. He is never right.
I mean never.
What does it take to get this man off television?
The fact that he has the nerve to accept the check they give him is the epitome of cheek.
And the antithesis of cool.

I would have more than just to say in passing Dennis Miller, the King of Smarm.
But his career is essentially over, so I don't want to indulge in overkill.
But yeah, Dennis, you are cool.

And finally, Mandy Patinkin.
Mandy Patinkin is in many ways a great singer and performer.
But not all ways.
He has this regular tendency to go way over the top.
In a truly sickeningly way.
And you never know when it's going to happen.
And when it does, you wan't to yell out "Yeah Mandy, you are cool!"

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

"You Are Cool!" Part 1

When my sister was an adolescent she started berating me because I didn't like the Beatles.
She loved them.
I would stop her by saying, "Yeah, Les, you are cool, and that would infuriate her and shut her up.
I would do it often enough that at some point she would say to me, "Mark, I am cool."
At which point I would point out to her that anyone who would say "I am cool" is automatically not cool.
That would infuriate her even more.
It occurred to me with some current events that there are more and more examples of people who think they are cool and are far from it.
Another way of expressing this is, "You feel way too good about yourself!"

Exhibit A: Donald Trump.
From that entrance he made descending on the escalator as he announced his candidacy, to every warped thought he has about anybody liking him, he certainly feels waaaay too good about himself.
He is not cool.
I can't imagine anybody, including himself, making the case that he is cool.

Exhibit B: Jonathan Schwartz
I have often brought myself to saying about the D.J. who represents the Great American Songbook, "Yes, Jonathan, you are cool!"
Now he is very knowledgeable about the subject and tells some great stories, but there is always a major element of namedropping.
Just yesterday, on his radio show, he did a tribute to Richard Rodgers on his 113th birthday.
At what point did a 113th birthday become something to celebrate?
Jonathan used this as an excuse to tell a lot of anecdotes about Rodgers, or "Dick," as he referred to him, since he knew him as a child.
So it was "Dick" this and "Dick" that; you never heard so much Dicking in your life.
And his live studio audience were all current cabaret singers who were fawning over everything he said because they wanted him to play their records.
Yeah, Jonathan, you are cool!

Exhibit C: A group of not-cool people.
I love buying and wearing athletic uniforms from various teams.
I very much understand people who do that.
What I don't for the life of me understand is why people buy athletic uniforms that have some famous athlete's name on the back.
It's one thing to identify with a team; it's another to identify that specifically with that person.
It's as if you think you are him.
I think that what I do is fairly cool and what they do is not cool at all.
I'm embarrassed to be at a game with them.

I've got several more exhibits and it will have to wait until next time.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

A Tale of Two Hospitals

When they brought me to the first hospital I went to after my stroke, I experienced much dismay.
A dismay I did not express when previously writing about it.
They were helping me on the road to recovery to some extent,
but there were a lot of downsides.
The main one being the quality of the food.
It was, to put it charitably, institutional food, and I could not eat a drop of it.
I felt I needed all sorts of excuses to not eat their food.
I had my wife bring in boxes of shredded wheat and raisins and all I required of them was skim milk, which they provided.
Whenever I had dinner, it was because she brought it for me.
This hospital is considered the premier hospital for the kind of illness I had.
So, of course, I considered this inexcusable.
There was a great deal of impersonality from the therapists.
I knew they were helping me somewhat, but it seemed that they did not care particularly.
Again, I found this somewhat disconcerting.
My most vivid memory of that place is how many MRIs I had to go through.
Every time they did one I felt one I felt like I was reliving the opening credits of Ben Casey, where all you saw were the hospital lights overhead.
The only other upside was that I had a private room.
The next step was to move me to a sub-acute facility.
My attitude was "Oh, my God, how much worse can it be?"
As it turns out it was far better in many ways.
The level of caring by the therapists has been awesome and I am recovering much more rapidly than anyone had expected me to.
I am using a walker and I am just days away from being able to use a cane.
Which was kind of where I was when I had the stroke.
These people understand their reputation.
They know that they are Avis to the other hospital's Hertz.
So they are striving constantly to prove that they should be number one.
They also certainly accomplished that in terms of the level of food that they serve.
It is downright edible.
I know we are still dealing with food in an institution, but it is of far higher quality.
And it is served very attractively, making you think that it is far higher than it actually is.
Not that this place is without its dark side.
I do have to share a room with somebody; there are no private rooms here.
That is not really unpleasant, except for the fact that we share a very small bathroom,
and any time one of us makes a mess, no one is rushing to clean it up.
So I find myself in the awkward position of having to clean up his mess.
This shouldn't happen; that is their job.
As I do go to dinner in the dining room most of the time, occasionally there will be an experience where someone who really shouldn't be in public goes there too and behaves wretchedly.
Yesterday, one of the patients who I see there very often, and who spends most of his time coughing his brains out, hacking up phlegm, sat down at my table,where I was by myself.
He seemed to have no awareness that he was violating my rights.
Maybe it was like this at the other hospital, too, I just didn't get a chance to find out.
So I actually complained to the nurses about him and he was immediately placed at another table.
But, again, why did I have to complain? Why did I have to take the initiative?
They saw what was going on!
How did it become my responsibility to get rid of him?
At least no one thought I was out of line by complaining.
The nurses are usually very pleasant and usually try to please you.
Another chink in the armor --- there are all these little black foofies all over the place in the room.
They make the beds everyday.
New sheets and everything.
And I know I didn't bring them with me from home.
We don't have any little black foofies at home.
It's something this hospital provides.
I don't know why, and I don't know how to get rid of them.
The other one didn't have them.
It's really been starting to bug me.
One last fly in the ointment: there is a woman who works here whose job is the job of a professional cheerleader.
She talks to the patients as if they were nine years old.
Now a lot of people need a person like this; they need to be talked to as if they were nine years old.
But I am not one of them.
The only reason I put up with her is that she bought both of my books.
That buys a lot of good will.
They actually let me do one of my "library appearances" here.
Which I needed to do to test out my voice, which is coming back strong.
It went over very well.
I expect to get out of here and go home in about a week and a half.
I am doing everything I can to accelerate the process.
The end is in sight, but I am beginning to feel like a prisoner here.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

One Of The Most Delightful Sundays I've Ever Spent.

Yes. After having a stroke and everything.
A great day betting on baseball.
And then, I had a dilemma.
The Tony Awards were on that night.
Head-to-head against the NBA finals.
Game One was one of the great games.
And I have money on the Cavs for the series.
And I am still in the hospital, where I don't have access to TiVo.
So whatever choice I made, it meant I wasn't going to see the other one.
My wife was going to sit here and watch it with me, whatever one I chose.
And I was generally more inclined to watch the Tony Awards, as was she.
So the decision was made.
We watched the Tony Awards with occasional flipping to the game during commercials.
I was immediately taken with what I saw on the Tony Awards,
realizing that there were so many shows that had not opened yet the last time I was in New York,
and that I wanted to see all of them, with the occasional passes of seeing the game during commercials,
did not give me the flavor of the game.
I am sharing the room that I am in with one other person.
And he had his TV set tuned to something completely other.
I didn't feel I had the right to say to him:
"Hey, how about putting on the game, so I could see that, too?"
Then, in the second quarter, purely on his on volition, he turned on the game.
At which point I separated the curtain between us, and was able to see both the game and the Tony Awards at the same time.
This is something I never would have done if I was home.
If I was home, I would have TiVoed the one and watched the other live.
So this, in fact, was even better.
No, not worth the stroke. I'm just saying...
Did I mention that the Tony Awards was uniformly fabulous?
Just about every musical number they did from every show was magnificent.
Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming were wonderful hosts; there was humor everywhere.
And there was practically no appearance by Nathan Lane, even.
But Larry David was there, and was totally hilarious.
I am planning my next trip to New York as soon as I am well enough to go.
It was a gift when I really needed one.
Yes, there were glitches.
You couldn't see the Memorial Reel. It was too small. But I'm just quibbling.
And after Tony's ended, I was able to concentrate solely on the NBA Finals.
which they went into overtime for the second time in a row.
Except, this time, the Cavs held on and pulled it out, something that nobody expected to happen.
Another gift.
That's some lot of gifts over the course of about three hours.
So we were able to turn a liability into an asset.
I can only wish you those kind of days.

P.S. I am feeling better day after day and able to do more things by myself.
Just today I was able to stand in the bathroom and shave myself
without having to hold on to anything.
This is major.
I appreciate all of your thoughtfulness and your kindness, and, once again, I will try to keep up the communication at this source.
Watch This Space.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Burying Another Lead

When I started talking about the stroke, I realized that there is key information I didn't tell you up front that is significantly more interesting than the stroke itself.
The stroke happened about a month ago at the end of April.
It was on a Saturday morning.
I'd had an MRI scheduled at the local hospital that morning for a minor backache that had practically vanished at that point.
But I had the appointment anyway, so, like a good boy scout, I went.
My wife was on a flight on the way back from a trip to India on business, so I was all alone in the house, and feeling very strange.
I had almost no balance and walking was extremely difficult.
Any sane human being at that point would have called an ambulance to take them to the hospital.
But me, being the schmuck that I was, I had no real sense of just how damaged I was at the time.
I attempted to guts it out by driving the mile or so to the hospital.
So I got behind the wheel, opened the garage door, started the engine, and drove.
My driving was no worse than it usually is.
This is an extremely accurate comment on my ability to drive to begin with.
Horrible.
I parked in one of the handicap spaces, right in front of the hospital, and practically crawled to the main entrance, where I virtually flopped down in front of the people who admit you.
They immediately saw the problem.
I didn't even get to mention the MRI to them.
It was certainly not high on my priorities at that point.
They glommed on to what the problem was, and I was quickly diagnosed with having had a stroke.
I was also met with incredulity, because I had driven myself to the hospital without any assistance.
That in itself in their eyes should have left me for dead.
As it turns out, I have been very lucky, and the stroke was a very minor one.
My speech is practically fully restored.
My walking is a work in progress, but we are all very optimistic about it.
Around here, I am considered to be this week's walking miracle. Or at least hobbling miracle.
I'll be happy to accept that title.
I am improving every day and the prognosis is very good for a full recovery.
I am still in a hospital, not the one I was in a few weeks ago, but a sub-acute facility.
Next time I am going to write about this facility, because I am very content with what they are doing here, and I need to describe the difference between where I started out and where I am now.
I hope to be writing more and more frequently as things improve.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

A Progress Report

I imagine that many of you out there are wondering how I am.
Considering what I have been through the past few weeks I would have to say I am in pretty good spirits.
The schedule now is to release me from the hospital next Saturday.
Even though the nursing staff has been first rate I can't wait to go home.
Most of the staff have been very nice to me.
Quite a few are very attractive.
Which is a bonus.
I look around and I see people in far worse shape than I'm in.
I was thinking recently about several well-known people who have died or have been on the verge of dying for quite a while and their varying outlooks towards death as it approaches.
One of them is Sam Simon who was one of the main creators of THE SIMPSONS.
He spent the last few years of his life attempting to give away all of his money to charitable causes.
Valerie Harper, who apparently has terminal cancer, has been relentlessly optimistic about it and has outlived her diagnosis considerably.
Alan Jay Lerner, who wrote the book and lyrics for My Fair Lady, spent opening night of My Fair Lady wracked in sobs because he felt that he had peaked as far as anything he might do again in his life.
The person who discovered him sobbing like that was his wife at the time. Her name was Nancy Olson. She was best known for playing Betty Schaefer in the movie Sunset Boulevard.
Even though Gigi and Camelot were soon to follow, I suppose to him they still did not top My Fair Lady; apparently it didn't matter to him.
And my attitude about all this used to be:
You know, I kinda get it. Yeah, it's pretty impressive to have written My Fair Lady. But if you can still not appreciate it for what it is then you live with the consequences and perhaps your life is the lesser for it.
However, with my stroke I now have more of an opinion about Alan Jay Lerner.
I think he was full of beans.
And it was really much more of a case of being grateful for what you have and what you have accomplished than what you haven't.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

I've Had Better Weekends.

Okay, I'll get right to the trivia question.
Nobody came close to getting the entire answer.
There were some nice tries, and there were lots of things that could be looked up.
Only Nick had one set of correct answers. He identified "Sheldrake" as the last name used in three Wilder movies: "Sunset Boulevard","Kiss Me, Stupid", and "The Apartment".
The other two answers are as follows:
In "Double Indemnity" Fred MacMurray and Edward G. Robinson worked for the Pacific All-Risk Insurance Co.
In "Ace In the Hole" (a.k.a.) "The Big Carnival", Frank Cady, the bald guy from "Petticoat Junction" and "Green Acres", was
interviewed by a local reporter. When asked where he worked, he replied "The Pacific All-Risk Insurance Company.
And last, the theme music for "Stalag 17" is "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".
In "The Fortune Cookie", Jack Lemmon's wife lands a local TV singing commercial for Lindenbaum's Linoleum.
It's to the tune of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".
So that's that.
The rest of the weekend was a lot more ominous.
Saturday morning, I had a stroke.
My speech is slurred, and my walking is almost non-existent.
I may have to take a vacation from the blog.
I'll try to keep you posted. In the interim feel free to e-mail me.

-----------------------------

My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download it.
They can be downloaded on IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Re-Climbing Mount Everest.

Once upon a time, before there was such a thing as an Internet, I was the King of Trivia.
I was the Sir Edmund Hillary to Trivia's Mount Everest.
And I knew who HE was without having to look it up.
But the Internet has now completely levelled the playing field.
ANYONE can be just as good a Trivia player as me just by pushing a couple of buttons on the computer machine.
Or, even more humiliating, the IPhone machine.
I had a major talent that no longer means anything.
But here I am today, making one last effort to scale Everest, with a Trivia Question, the answer to which can not be found by pushing
any amount of buttons on the computer machine.
I tried looking it up, and could not find the answers anywhere.
But I know them to be right.
AS usual, for me, they fall under the heading of Show Business Trivia.
You might consider this a revival of "This Week's Game", which I used to offer up regularly on weekends around here.
In order to get the correct answers, you either have to wrack your brain to come up with them, or you simply have to know it
through life experience.
This one ain't gonna be easy.
Okay, here goes:

Billy Wilder made at least three movies in which he made oblique references to three OTHER Billy Wilder movies.
They are all in the nature of "inside jokes'.
One each per movie.
Name each of the three movies.
Provide the oblique reference to the other movies.
Name the movies referred to.
And provide the oblique references.
Here's a clue: You won't be able to find it by Googling "What movies did Billy Wilder make where he referenced other Billy Wilder
movies?"
I tried that.
It wont help you.
Feel free to post any responses or questions in the Comments section.

As when we used to play "This Week's Game", I will offer a prize for the winner(s), not that I expect there to be any:
The same thing Jackie Gleason, on his variety show, as Stanley R. Sogg, the commercial pitchman on the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show, used to offer to his audience:
As he put it,
"......and last but not least, a three-pound wedge of Fatchamarra's Matzaroni Cheese."
But there's no shipping.
You'll have to come to Chicago to pick it up.
And you have to say, out loud, and with expression, "I want my cheese!"

If I stump you all, I am re-claiming Everest.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books, "Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

A Shout-Out To Mountain View, California.

I have this thing at my disposal called a Stat Counter.
It tells me all about my readership on the blog.
How many hits I'm getting per day, per week, where the hits are coming from, how long the reader is lingering on the article, and which article and/or articles they are lingering on.
Now, this isn't an exact science.
There is no accounting for what happens if the reader has a page of the website on, neglects it, and then goes back to it.
There is no way to actually determine how long an individual is actually lingering religiously on the blog.
But an interesting and unprecedented thing has happened.
There is this one reader, or perhaps one family, or two readers, or whatever, hailing from at or around Mountain View, California.
This is apparently near Salinas California.
And he or she or they are constant readers of the blog.
By constant, I mean hours at a time.
And this has been going on for at least several months.
Now don't get me wrong.
I don't feel like I'm being stalked.
I find it all very flattering.
Articles are constantly being read and re-read.
There are certain books that I have found to be consistently re-readable.
"Yes, I Can", Sammy Davis's autobiography, was one.
My sister and I would constantly read passages out loud to each other from "Yes I Can".
And it was very quotable.
The same thing pertains to Philip Roth's "Portnoy's Complaint"
I'm pleased to think that there are people out there who find my stuff re-readable.
But there is a point to my bringing all this.
You citizens of the Mountain View environs, how many of you that this applies to, are missing out on something.
You don't have to continually re-read things you've already read.
My e-books at the Amazon Kindle Store each contain roughly 500 pages each of articles that haven't been on the blog in quite some time.
"Show Runner"
"Show Runner Two, the sequel"
"The Man Is Dead"
and
"Report Cards" (This last one is closer to 300 pages.)
And I'm guessing that you haven't read any of them.
Just go there and type in my name
Now, I don't want anyone to think that this is just shameless pluggery on my part.
With the Kindle Books, Amazon makes most of the money anyway.
I only receive a mere pittance.
I'm simply trying to reward my Mountain View readership for their loyalty.
And I would like to hear from you personally.
Here is my e-mail address: macchus999@aol.com
Come in, Mountain View!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

For Daily Use.

Lately, it has been more and more difficult for me to filter out commercials from my Tivo.
This is because I have been doing a lot more multi-tasking while having the TV on.
I'm not usually watching it.
I'm listening to it.
So I hear the commercials.
One that has gotten my attention is the one for Cialis.
Cialis is one of them boner pills.
I don't know if it's any better than any of them other boner pills on the market.
I don't have the need to indulge in the product in general.
But according to where I find these commercials, I seem to be the target audience.
In the Cialis commercials, it is repeatedly referred to as "Cialis, for daily use".
I think they are trying to create a catchphrase, and I think it's working.
This has all caused me to do some ruminating.
When my sister and I were kids, and we shared a private language.
One of the expressions that my sister created was "For days!"
Or, as she pronounced it, ""Fiddays!"
As in "How long did you have to stay at that wedding?"
"Fiddays!"
After one recent viewing, or listening, to the Cialis commercial, it occurred to me that my sister might have also been exposed
to it.
This led to me wondering if she remembered having added "Fiddays!" to the lexicon.
And if she had, whether it caused her to respond to the TV screen, "Cialis, Fiddaily Use!!
Or, at least, ""Cialis, Fiddays!!"
This prompted me to call her, and get to the bottom of all of this.
She had not seen the commercial.
She did, in fact, remember "Fiddays!!"
And she immediately saw the wisdom of matching the two together.
There was some debate as to whether it was funnier to say "Cialis, fiddaily use!!", or Cialis, fiddays!!"
It was a tossup.
She has now seen the commercial for the umpteenth time, and now, without exception, says, after the announcer says "Cialis..."
out loud, and with expression, "Fiddays!!", or upon occasion "Fiddaily use!!.
I have repeatedly mentioned that I consider my sister perhaps THE funniest person in the world.
Perhaps she is an acquired taste.
In any case, I must admit that I am not without influence.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Last But Not Least....

The big Kahuna of all Battle-Axes---(drum roll, please...) Ethel Merman!
Mainly known as the great Broadway Musical Star that she was, she also made some indelible forays into battle-axedom.
Ethel never had much of a movie career.
The moguls deemed her too big for the movie screen.
They were wrong.
Whenever she made a movie, she was glorious in it.
Her approach to acting: When she was standing in the wings, waiting to go on for one of her opening nights, she was asked if she was nervous.
She replied "What do I have to be nervous about?? I know my lines!!"
She played a great battle-axe as Donald O'Connor's mother in "There's No Business Like Show Business", when he came home drunk one night, and she submerged his head under the a bathroom sink filled with water, almost killing him in the process.
She was the first Mama Rose in "Gypsy", and from all indications, played it totally one-dimensionally battle-axe.
Those who succeeded her in the role, some of whom I saw, Bernadette Peters, Tyne Daly, Patti Lupone, Angela Lansbury, Rosalind Russell, each added subtle three dimensional shadings.
None were battle-axes.
Ethel was.
But her Coup de Grace was her role in Stanley Kramer's "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World".
She played Milton Berle's hen-pecking mother-in-law.
To a fare-thee well.
No matter who else was in the picture, she hen-pecked them.
She was as funny as anyone could imagine, and was alone, worth the price of admission.
Until Ethel came along in that movie, there was a mold that needed breaking and she took it upon herself to break it.
She stands alone.

Okay. I'm done with this topic.
I'll bet some of you thought I'd never get here.
Perhaps it was a bit self-indulgent.
Perhaps I have been playing to the band.
But it amused me, and that has become the main reason I write this blog.
From the beginning of this series, I asked you to not offer any suggestions of those I have left out until the last entry.
Well, this is it.
If you feel that there is anyone I have egregiously left out, now is the time to make yourself heard in the comments section.
I hope to hear from you.

*****

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Mopping Up With The Battle-Axes.

We're almost home.
This is the next-to last Battle-Axe entry.
It consists primarily of those who would be considered Honorable Mentions.

Elvia Allman: Primarily remembered as Lucy and Ethel's supervisor when they worked on the chocolate candy conveyor belt line.
Elvia was the one who called out "Speed it up a little!!.
She played Oscar's mother on an episode of "The Odd Couple", and she was nobody to mess around with, in character, and in life.

Reta Shaw: Leant her formidable presence to many hard-edged women roles.
She was a regular on Mr. Peepers, and played an Army Sergeant style maid on the Odd Couple.

Doris Packer: Mostly known as Chatsworth Osborne's mother on "Dobie Gillis"---Nasty, nasty boy!!"

Hattie McDaniel: Won an Oscar as the battle-axe 'Mammy" in "Gone With The Wind"
She excelled.
There were three actresses who played "Beulah" on the TV series.
She was the only one who played the role as a battle-axe.

Roseanne: I don't think she'd object to the label.

Patsy Kelly: Hilariously unfeminine. Teamed with Thelma Todd, who was hilariously feminine, in many comedy shorts in the early 1930's.

Jo Van Fleet: Great actress. Best known as James Dean's mother, who he didn't know he had, in "East of Eden".
Always a formidable, threatening presence.

We'll wrap up the entire series next time, much to the relief of many, I'm guessing, with a tribute to the all-time Battle-Axe Queen.
After that, I will welcome your comments if there are any battle-axes that you don't think I gave their proper due.

'Til then.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

Some Of Your More Benign Battle-Axes.

These were actresses who were never really laff-riots, but definitely, consistently, played women you didn't want to mess with.

Maudie Prickett: Usually played spinsters. Had a recurring role as Jack Benny's secretary.
Jack seemed to have a penchant for finding battle-axes to play off of.

Nora Marlowe, Connie Gilchrist: Usually played charwomen with hearts of gold.
Connie's was a lot more gold than Nora's.

Audrey Christie: Henpecked her way through "Fair Exchange", where Eddie Foy Jr. was the victim.
She was also Billy Bigelow's nemesis and owner of the Carousel in the movie of the same name.
You always had the impression that she had the hots for Billy.

Nancy Kulp: Scored big on two Paul Henning series, "The Bob Cummings Show"e where she played bird-watcher Pamela Livingstone, pronouncd "stone", who continually lusted after Bob, to no avail.
Then, she became Mr. Drysdale's right-hand "man", where she spent the entire series lusting after Jethro, again, to no avail.
But she was totally hilarious.

Conchatta Ferrell: If but nothing but "Two and a Half Men", she belongs here.

Florence Stanley: Played Fish's wife opposite Abe Vigoda. Also replaced Bea Arthur as Yente the Matchmaker in Fiddler.

Kay Medford: Great, funny character actress. One strange piece of casting: She showed up as Andy Griffith's wife in Kazan's
""A Face in the Crowd". She must have been twenty years older than him. This might be explained by Kazan's original pursuit of Jackie Gleason for Griffith's part, then realized that he had to go younger.
And that he simply had to fire Kay Medford, but didn't.

Eileen Brennan: Except for "Private Benjamin", I always considered her to be a musical comedy performer.
But she earned her "stripes" with Private Benjamin".

Elsa Lanchester: Earned her place in battle-axe history by playing "The Bride of Frankenstein", and Charles Laughton's nurse in
"Witness For The Prosecution", where I think Laughton actually referred to her as a battle-axe.

Marcia Lewis: Another one of those actresses who played Mama Morton, the prison matron in "Chicago"
I allways found her to be a little sweeter than the usual battle axe.

Doris Singleton: A very attractive woman, who appeared in everything, and henpecked everyone.
Perhaps best known as Carolyn Applebee, who Lucy was always trying to impress.
It always helped Lucy to have a bitchier actress on stage than she was.

Next time, more shtarker actresses, leading up to the grand dame of them all.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

THE Funniest Battle-Axes. Part Two.

More great, great, hilarious battle-axes:

Verna Felton: Best known as easily the funniest performer on the sitcom "December Bride" as Hilda Crocker, Spring Byington's best friend. EVERYBODY played straight to her, as she delivered sledgehammer punch-lines that never missed.
She also scored big as Dennis Day's mother on "The Jack Benny Show".
It was an inspiration to have someone play Dennis Day's mother.
And casting Verna Felton to play her was a bigger inspiration.

Beatrice Pons: Utterly hilarious as Joe E. Ross's hatchet-faced wife on both ""Sergeant Bilko" and "Car 54, Where Are You?"
I had never seen her in anything else before or since, but lately she has shown up in the original "Goldbergs" series, where she played straight to Gertrude Berg.
Gertrude Berg seemed to decree that no other actress get laughs besides Gertrude Berg.

Amanda Randolph: Absolutely owned the stage as Danny Thomas's maid, Louise, on "Make Room For Daddy".
Same deal as Kingfish's mother-in-law on "Amos 'n Andy.
A major hoot.

Nancy Walker: A great Battle-axe before she was ever Rhoda's mother.
Usually on Broadway. She was a great physical comedienne.

Honorable Mention: Frances Langford. She carved a major battle-axe niche for herself as Blanche Bickerson on "The Bickersons"
Only problem was that they very rarely gave her the punch-lines.
Don Ameche got all the punch-lines.
So Langford did all the straight set-ups.
It became one-note, and repetitious.
I don't know where the blame lies.
But the show itself was extremely funny.

Next time, more benign battle-axes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

THE Funniest Battle-Axes.

Last time, when I discussed the movie "Caged", I neglected to mention that it was a relentlessly grim movie.
The seven, count 'em, seven battle-axes in "Caged" were not the type that you would hire because of their comedic abilities.
They were, in general, menacing, scary women.
As they should be.
This week, I'm going to talk about women who would have been totally miscast in "Caged"
Because they were all hilarious.
And all one-dimensionally funny.
Their mere presence would make you laugh.
They'd at least make ME laugh.
As soon as they'd show up.

The first time I saw Iris Adrian show up was in the very first episode of "The Abbott and Costello" TV show.
Right off the top.
Bud and Lou emerged from their brownstone apartment building, and stopped on the landing.
Iris Adrian came storming up the stairs, took one look at Costello, and, wlelding her folded umbrella, bellowed in her shrill voice,
"How dare you remind me of somebody I hate!!", and clopped him over the head with her umbrella.
And we were off to the races.
She made an impression.
She graduated to the Jack Benny Show, where she played a succession of waitresses, manicurists, secretaries, and as a last resort, Jack's date for the evening.
When Barbara Nichols was busy.
Benny knew he was slumming.
Whatever job she held, she could be counted on saying to him "Hiya, Mac!, to which Benny would respond "That's JACK!!"
She showed up to audition for me, and, delighted to see that she was still alive, put her to work in three different series.
Her work in "The Ted Knight Show" was exemplary.
The main reason I started this series was that a friend of mine sent me a DVD that contained a hilarious episode of "My Friend Irma". Iris Adrian had a major role in it.
On the same DVD was an episode of the series "Angel"
It was uproarious.
Primarily because because of that hilarious battle-axe, Bella Bruck.
Bella Bruck can best be described as Doris Roberts if Doris Roberts was funny.
There is no room here for Doris Roberts.
Doris Roberts was way too three dimensional.
She always wanted you to feel sorry for her.
I didn't. Ever.
We used Bella Bruck three times on "The Odd Couple"
Once, as Oscar's extremely slow secretary.
She consistently made Jack Klugman laugh during rehearsals.
It was always the highlight of our yearly gag reels at the rap party.
Bella Bruck would have been a much better version of Raymond's mother.

Estelle Harris: George Costanzas mother. 'Nuff said.

Honorable mention; Clara Peller---"Where's the Beef??"

There are more hilarious battle-axes that I will address next time.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****

THE Great Battle-Axe Movie.

1950.
A movie came out called "Caged".
It contained at least seven, count 'em, seven battle-axes.
Figures.
It took place in a women's prison.
Sort of an "expose" on life in a women's prison.
There were even some whom you ordinarily wouldn't think of as battle-axes:
Ellen Corby, better known as Ma Walton in that series.
Jane Darwell, better known as Ma Joad in "The Grapes of Wrath".
Both got to show their fangs in "Caged".
Lee Patrick, known to many as Henrietta Topper, Cosmo's wife in that wonderful series "Topper".
But that was an excursion for her.
She usually played hard-boiled dames, like Bogart's secretary in "The Maltese Falcon".
And like in "Caged".
Then you had your usual gang of traditional battle-axes:

Agnes Moorehead, as the Warden.
Hope Emerson, that six foot four inch monster of a "woman", who was the chief enforcer of prison policy.
She was also well remembered for her appearance in "Adam's Rib", where in a show of women's equality, she lifted Spencer Tracy over her head with one hand, by his one heel.
She went on to play "Mother" in Peter Gunn", in a desperate attempt to make that show interesting.
I think she died during the run, and was replaced by the afore-mentioned Minerva Urecal.
The afore-mentioned-Betty Garde, very scary, was also in "Caged"
Jan Sterling battle-axed her way through "Caged".
Maybe you didn't consider Jan Sterling to be a battle-axe.
I call your attention to Billy Wilder's great "Ace In The Hole", where, as the wife of a miner stuck in a cave-in, she was ready to drop her drawers for Kirk Douglas, who was there to revive his career as a big-shot reporter.
There was also an episode of "Naked City" where she badgered her small-time ex-con husband, Jack Klugman, to kidnap a little girl, and then to try to force him to kill the child when things didn't pan out well.
That's battle-axe enough for me.
"Caged" is pretty impressive.
Seven battle-axes, seven.
In one movie.
Ya can't beat it.
I don't want to scare you or anything, but we're not nearly done with the subject matter.
If you're completely sick of it, you might want to come back in about three weeks.


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My books,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
They are all compilations of blog entries that have since been removed from the blog.
So this is the only way you can find them.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne and Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays" and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are not e-books.
I have many readings and signings lined up for those, and the thing about Kindle is that you can't sign one.
But they are available for people without Kindle.
If you'd like one of the paperbacks, personally autographed, contact me at macchus999@aol.com
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne and Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.

*****