A YouTube Surprise.

I know the last couple of posts have been somewhat self-promoting.
I apologize for that.
I apologize for this one, too.
Because it will also be somewhat self-promoting.
If it is any consolation, I'm as surprised about it as you are.

Quite a while ago, I submitted a concept to the powers-that-were for a Laverne
and Shirley movie. This was when a movie based on some old TV series was coming out every other week.
It was responded to positively, and I wrote a screenplay.
When I handed it in, I also gave them a videotape of a live-audience reading I did
of the script. I don't know if the tape was ever looked at. Then the movie made
from the series "Bewitched" totally tanked at the box office, and suddenly the trend was over.
My idea was for two younger actresses, say, Drew Barrymore and Kate Hudson, to play
Laverne and Shirley. There was even serious talk about Penny Marshall directing it.
The idea became still-born, and the movie was never made.
It's a shame. I thought I turned in a great script.
It addressed just about everything in the series that the series never addressed.
Such as:
"How did the girls meet each other?"
"How did they meet Lenny and Squiggy?"
How did Lenny and Squiggy meet each other?"
"How did the girls end up in that basement apartment?"
"Just what the heck does a bottlecapper do, anyway?"
"Why did they move to California?"
"Why did Laverne's father sell the Pizza Bowl?"
Why did EVERYBODY move to California?"
"What happened to Shirley?"
"Did she and Laverne ever reconcile after the series ended?"
All these questions and others were dealt with in my screenplay.

Just three days ago, I received a Google alert, telling me that Part One of me reading my screenplay,
the first fifteen minutes, from that videotaped reading I did, is now up on YouTube.
I went to YouTube, and sure enough, there I was.
It was posted by God-Knows-Who.
That videotape had been kicking around all over the place for the better part of
nine years.
Beginning long before there ever was YouTube.
It could have been just about anyone who saw it and had their hands on it.
Anyway, God-Knows-Who stated that the rest of the reading will be up shortly. Knowing how much there is of it, and how it has been divided up, it'll probably be around eight or nine parts.
The first four segments are already up.
God-Knows-Who has certainly not been kiddin' around.
So it's going to be there in it's entirety, if you want to take a look.
Or only to look at the first hour. It's up to you.
Just go to YouTube and type in my name, or The Laverne and Shirley Movie.
You'll get to see me strut my acting and screenwriting stuff.
I'm very proud of this script, and glad somebody went to the trouble to put it
out there.
I could never have done it.
I barely have enough computer skills to turn out this blog every few days.

That's all the self-promotion for a while, although I will be giving you
YouTube updates.
I'll try to get us to "The Best TV Theme Songs of All Time" as soon as possible.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My books ,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store. Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.
And now, we've got You've got YouTube.


******

Yet Even More Kindling.

You probably haven't noticed, but Wednesday, there were over 300 articles on
the blog.
On Thursday, there were only about 130.
This is because I have once again ravaged and ransacked the blog, removing articles
to turn them into two new Kindle books.
I discussed one of them, "The Man Is Dead", last time.
Today, I will discuss the other one.
It's called "Report Cards".
You regular readers have been exposed to these posts here and there.
But this is the only collection of them together.
They are my reviews of movies and plays that I've seen, beginning in 2009,
continuing on to the present.
I decided on this rather unique approach when I found myself exposed to far too
many clips of movies I hadn't seen, and critics telling me far more about what I
would be seeing than I wanted to know.
By the time I have seen all the clips, I felt like I've already seen the movie.
So I never reveal how the plot plays out.
I answer pertinent questions, usually the same ones, that I pose to myself, about
these movies. And if you find that your taste coincides with mine, this book might prove to be invaluable.
I almost never go to the movies.
My only real exposure to the movie experience is during Award season, where my
various Guild and Academy cards get me into the movies for free.
I generally consider movies to be way overpriced.
But when it's free, and the studios send me DVDs, which they do every year, of
films that they deem worthy enough to promote for awards, I pay attention.
And go out of my way to know as little about them as possible going in.
You'd think that, by only sending and offering only the films that they deem
award worthy, that they'd all be pretty good.
They're not.
Some of them are really good.
Some of them suck.
Which leads me to wonder just exactly how bad all those summer blockbuster movies
are that I never allow myself to have access to.
So consider this my joining the ranks of Leonard Maltin and Roger Ebert, who have their own collections of movie reviews,
The main difference between them and me is that I definitely approach the
experience from a screenwriter's point of view.
With plays and musicals, there are far fewer opportunities to know what you are
about to see, unless you pore over the reviews,
And I find most New York reviewers to be incompetent.
So I rely on the Shit Detector that is lodged inside my brain.
I usually end up with a much higher batting average ratio of what I like vs. what
I don't with plays.
And I'm still able to withhold key informstion about the play that can diminish the
experience for you.
Some of the Report Cards have been omitted from the book, and are still on the
blog. A smattering. That's simply because I forgot to tranfer them.
I think I approach all these Report Cards with a professional sense of humor.
So make your sojourn to the Amazon Kinde Store, where you can read samples, and see for yourselves if any of this is appealing to you.
They are both filled with bookoo pages, and I think that they're both pretty big
bangs for the buck.l
It's at least worth a look.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My books ,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store. Along with "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

The Man Is Dead.

1953.
I was six years old, living in my parents’ apartment on the third floor of the building in New York City.
The Bronx, to be specific.
Directly beneath us lived Morris and Ann Teplitsky------- and their son, Harvey, my contemporary, also six.
I was much taller than, as the late Jimmy Stewart would have called him,
“My friend, Harvey”. I don’t know where Harvey is today, if anywhere, but I’m sure that if he IS anywhere, I’m still much taller than him.
In 1953, I didn’t know what a homosexual was.
Hell, in 1963, I didn’t know what a homosexual was.
But Harvey was the first example in my conscious life of a male who was extremely, extremely, extremely effeminate.
And also, he was effeminate. A dead ringer for Pee Wee Herman---------even at six, when no one had heard of Pee Wee Herman.
So one Saturday afternoon, I am invited down to share the day with the Teplitskys. Particularly Harvey.
I have no idea what is on his mind, but who am I to question?
It seems that the purpose of my visit was to listen to a record he wanted to play for me on his phonograph. They called them Victrolas then.
This is when records were 78 RPM .
He showed me the album cover.
Al Jolson.
I never heard of him.
I had never heard him sing.
Harvey starts playing the record while I sat in front of him.
Not having a particularly musical ear at six, I did not appreciate Mr. Jolson’s endeavors.
I, in fact, made a face.
Harvey notices this and says to me “What’s the matter, don’t you like it?”
And I replied “What’s with all of this “Mammy”and Alabammy”?
Harvey took umbrage.
He rose up, all four-foot-six of him, looked down at me, and said, in very somber tones----“The MAN is DEAD!”
I, of course, was immediately humbled.
“Gee, I’m sorry. I didn’t know”
Actually I hardly knew of anyone who was dead in 1953.
Only Babe Ruth.
And now Jolson.
These days, just about everybody is dead.
And that incident pretty much began a life long obsession I've had with death. I’ve become an expert on each and all celebrity death.
I’ve been able to tell people when any celebrity died, how they died, and how old they were WHEN they died.
This is a talent that has lost it’s value, if in fact it ever had any.
As we now know, anyone with the Internet can summon up the information by the touch of a finger.
So there are plenty of places to go to find straight obituary information.
This has all led to me tossing up another book at the Amazon Kindle Store, titled
appropriately enough, "The Man Is Dead"
It is a collection of obituaric (yes, I believe I invented that word,) commentaries culled from, and then removed from the blog.
It is about all things, and particularly people, dead.
Reflections and opinions about the deceased that I don’t think you’ll find anywhere else.
That’s all I offer.
There is also another new book available from me at the Amazon Kindle Store.
I will talk about that one more extensively next time.
But it can also be perused and purchased now.
I’m sure "The Man Is Dead" will be funnier than regular obits, and not nearly as tasteful.
Take a look, and if you purchase it, I'd certainly appreciate your feedback.
Here’s to all of us survivors!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store. Along with "The Man Is Dead", and another new one, "Report Cards".
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

A Rare Political Rant.

In the first episode of what has quickly become my favorite TV show, HBO's
"The Newsroom", Jeff Daniels, playing a close-to-the-vest, well paid, TV news
anchorman, is appearing at a forum at Northwestern University, where he is
repeatedly asked, and repeatedly ducks, the question posed by a young, female,
attractive, empty-headed student, "Why do you think America is the greatest
country in the world?
Finally, Daniels explodes with an unexpected rant about how America is far from
the greatest country in the world, and goes into a litany of reasons for it.
And I found myself agreeing with the entire litany.
This didn't surprise me.
I think it began with me when the Supreme Court handed the 2000 election to
George W. It was the first impression I had that the Supreme Court had been
bought and sold.
This impression was enhanced by that same Supreme Court's verdict on the Citizen's
United decision.
Why didn't Scalia and Thomas, openly courted by the Koch brothers, recuse
themselves? Because they were bought.
The Citizen's United decision wouldn't be that important if the electorate wasn't
so stupid as to be totally influenced by the misleading ads they are bombarded
by.
The impression was further enhanced by one of our major political parties being led by the nose by the Tea Party, to the point where they are consistently pandered to.
Add to this our history of slavery, and stealing land from the people who preceded us here.
Add to this what went on in Colorado last week.
With our uniquely rigged and terrible gun laws, what happened there could only have happened in this country.
The N.R.A. owns EVERYTHING.
And nobody's putting up any kind of a fight.
Shooting deaths are so much worse here than anywhere else.
It's a complete sellout.
So how can we be the best country in the world?

I had maintained that Mitt Romney, although he is obviously much smarter than George W., might make a worse president.
Because he's such a transparent and bad liar.
At this point, the only personal difference between Romney and President Obama (and no matter what, we must call him President Obama, if only out of deference to the office) is that the President is a far more sophisticated, deft, and talented liar.

Electing Romney is far more destructive. He'd also be led by the Tea Party.
And he'd stack the Supreme Court beyond human recognition.
That's the only reason that it's important that the President is re-elected.
But even here, with what went on in Colorado, the President stepped up to the
microphone, and spoke about how Sasha and Malia also like to go to the movies.
Where was the statement that Sasha and Malia can probably also get their hands on
GUNS?
President Obama is also in bed with the N.R.A.
That's why he's not taking a stand on Gun Control.
Or he just thinks it will cost him too many votes.
In any case, it's cowardly.
So we have a nation of run by cowards and followed by sheep.
Tell me again how it's the greatest nation in the world.

This has been MY rare political rant.

P.S.--- Since this rant was posted, the President has stepped forward and said
some constructive things about Gun Control.
So we're back to only one bastard in this race.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

The Dregs.

Here we are!
The promised land!
The Bottom Five Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time.

5) Mister Ed.

Jay Livingston and Ray Evans were great songwriters.
Three Oscars for Best Song.
"Buttons and Bows", "Que Sera Sera", and "Mona Lisa".
Then, at some point, they were asked to write the theme song for "Mister Ed".
If they were that hard up for money, they should have hocked the Oscars.
I'm sure they knew what a "forced rhyme" was.
How many ways can you come up with a rhyme for "horse" without having
to force?
(Hey! There's one that THEY didn't even think of!)

4) The Texan.

A not-very-well-remembered Western series starring Rory Calhoun in the late 50's.
The theme music accompanied a visual of Rory sitting on his horse, galloping away
slowly from the camera, out on the prairie.
The accompaniment consisted of a rhythmic cacophany of tubas and bassoons that
literally gave the impression that Rory and the horse were consistently farting
to it's tempo.

3) Three's Company.

The low grade here does not involve the singing, the arrangement, or the lyrics.
It's here because the melody, by Joe Raposo, who should have known better, was a
direct ripoff of the great Duke Ellington's "Don't Get Around Much Any More"
'Nuff said.

2) The Pruitts of Southhampton.

The Phyllis Diller sitcom from 1966, where the title song has to be seen to be
disbelieved.
Godawful lyrics, and worse, godawful singing by Ms. Diller.
She approached it unashamedly.
She must have had the balls of a cat-burglar.
I'm certain that if David Merrick had caught an episode of "The Pruitts of
Southhampton, he never would have hired her to replace Pearl Bailey in
"Hello Dolly" two years later.
God, what THAT must have sounded like.

1) Maude

I have long maintained that "Maude" was a piece of shit.
As was the song that introduced us to it every week.
I'm going to print the lyrics here, along with my running commentary in parentheses.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider
She didnt' care if the whole world looked.
(See, she rode through the streets of Coventry, naked.)
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
She was a sister who really cooked.
(See? It's a double entendre! Because they burned her at the stake!
So she cooked! And I guess she had a sister.)

Isadora was the first bra burner
And you're glad she showed up. Oh yeah!
(Isadora who? Duncan? I thought she was about scarves. Not bras. But what do
I know? )
And when the country was falling apart
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.
(That's because she sewed the first American flag. With the stars and
the stripes and everything.)

And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's

That old compromisin', enterprisin', anything but tranquilizing,
(She was enterprisin', and I suppose anything but tranquilizin'
I know she got on my nerves. But I never recall her being compromisin')
Right on Maude.
(Yeah, "Right on" is what you said to anyone Bea Arthur's age at the time.
Even in the 70's. Which was the only time ANYONE ever used that expression to
ANYONE.)

So there you have it.

We will soon begin to stomp in greener pastures as I reveal my list of the
BEST TV theme songs ever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

Plunging To The Bottom.

Here we go!
The first five of the bottom ten.

10) Love, American Style.

This marked the beginning of the era of composer Charles Fox's minor
domination of TV sitcom theme songs, although it was usually with lyricist
Norman Gimbel, who was rather undistinguished, except in my eyes for the fact
that he wrote "Ricochet Romance" for Teresa Brewer, and "Whale of a Tale" for
Kirk Douglas to sing in "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea".
Fox and Gimbel became involved in the themes of shows I was intrinsically
involved in, and will show up here shortly.
I am less than a fan of Charles Fox's work.
I am even less of a fan of Arnold Margolin's work.
Arnold Margolin is the lyricist for "Love, American Style".
He was also the producer of "Love, American Style", which was essentially
"The Love Boat" without the water.
He also once took a pilot that I'd written, and produced it, and made a complete botch of it.

I'm letting the cliched quasi-patriotic lyrics speak for themselves regarding
Arnold Margolin's legacy:

Love, Love, Love {CLAP}
Love, Love, Love

Love, American Style,
Truer than the Red, White and Blue.
Love, American Style,
That's me and you.

And on a star spangled night my love.
(you can rest) You can rest your head on my shoulder (shoulder).
Out by the dawn's early light, my love
(I will defend) I will defend your right to try.

(I'll defend your right to) Love, American Style,
Free'r than the land of the free.
Love, American Style,
That's you and me.

We pledge our love 'neath the same old moon,
(but it shines) But it shines red and white and blue now.
Upon this land of hopes and dreams, my love,
(all that I hope) Where all I hope for tis of thee

(all I hope for tis of) Love, American Style,
Truer than the Red, White and Blue.
Love, American Style,
That's me and you.

And in this land of hopes and dreams, my love,
All that I hope for tis of thee

(Love, Love, Love) {CLAP}
(Love, Love, Love)

Love, American Style,
Free'r than the land of the free.
Love, American Style,
Truer than the Red, White and Blue.
Love, American Style,
Free'r than the land of the free.

Love, American Style,
Truer than the Red, White and Blue.

9) Laverne and Shirley.

I know that this may seem like biting the hand that has fed me quite well,
but the first time I heard the Laverne and Shirley theme song, matched up with the titles, with Fox and Gimbel in the screening room, I was nauseated.
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
The opening trumpets fanfare was precisely the same as the one used in
"Love, American Style".
So, of course, you can't say that it was derivative.
And the melody is strikingly similar to "Waltzing Matilda".
So, of course, you can't say that it was derivative.
It emphasized the unhip part of the show, which didn't really need to be emphasized.
Or maybe it helped to broaden it's appeal.
Who knows?
All I know is I hated it.
As did other hipper members of the cast, who were heard to regularly make fun of it.
But I've gotten to the point that whenever I hear it, I also hear the sound of the cash register ringing.
That helps considerably.

8) Happy Days after they stopped using Bill Haley's "Rock Around The Clock"
More of Fox and Gimbel's handiwork, or clumsywork, pick your own description.
It was just so much worse than what preceded it.
They began using it when Happy Days was turned into a live audience show, which is when the show became a hit.
Coincidentally, it's when I began working on the show.
I say coincidentally, because I know that my work had nothing to do with the turnaround.
It was Garry Marshall's idea to make the switch, because he knew that when Fonzie
would make any entrance to a scene, the live audience, made up of primarily
teenage girls, would start screaming.
That's what turned it into a major hit.
I'd be willing to bet that somewhere out there, Fox and Gimbel are patting
themselves on the back for turning Happy Days into a major hit because of their
wonderful new song.

7) The Odd Couple.

I'm really working out of my own backyard here, aren't I.
They simply lifted the theme song directly from the movie version.
Even the incidental cues were the same.
It was really done on the cheap.
And the original tune, by Neal Hefti, was no great shakes either.
It didn't even really suit the movie, and was downbeat in nature, which the show almost never was.
This forced us to use downbeat cues on upbeat moments too many times than I'd
like to think about.

6) The New Odd Couple.

Essentially the black version, they once again used the same theme song, presenting
the same problems, only somebody decided to "funk" it up a little.
Make it sound more "black"
Funk it up.
Maybe I'm just one letter off here.
Maybe that somebody who funked it up was Charles Fox.
Who knows?

So okay, next time we're headin' for the bottom of the barrel.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

The Last Of The Dishonorables.

We're back, and will conclude the Dishonorable Mention list for Worst TV
Theme Songs Ever.
There are eight of them, so I can go back to numbering them, beginning with
number 18, which will carry us to the bottom ten list next time.

Some of these songs I barely knew, as I wasn't exposed to the shows first time
around.
They showed up in compilations of TV theme songs on YouTube.
And in the spirit of leaving no stone unturned, I felt obliged to watch them.
There was enough there to make a judgement, and to be grateful that it was
my only exposure to them.
These last Dishonorables, in my opinion, are all worse than the ones I described previously.
So in descending order, from least bad to most, with some of them
indistinguishable, we begin with number eighteen:

18) "The Munsters" Ooh, spooky! Ooh scary!
I never liked the show, and the song didn't help.
I never liked "The Addams Family either, but the song had a certain style.

17) "My Mother, The Car": More part of this list because of how truly
horrendous the show was on it's own terms. It violated it's own premise,
seemingly every chance it got.
The song was just dumb, but not as dumb as the show, which I saw
when it was run on cable for a handful of episodes.
The amazing thing is that several of it's writers went on to run the Mary Tyler
Moore Show.

16 through 13) These next four are interchangeable.
These are the ones I saw on YouTube, was aghast, and made note of them for
particularly this purpose:
They are, in no particular order,
It's About Time,
Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, in which the theme song was selling a silly comedy,
The Ugliest Girl In Town, where they were selling Tranvestism, and
Captain Nice, where they were selling incoherency.

12) "the Courtship of Eddie's Father", where Harry Nillson, or somebody like that
was singing this cutesy-oootsy-pootsy song about a wonderful relationship between
a widowed father and his young son, which caused more than one son to say to his
father, "Why can't you be more like Bill Bixby?"

And finally, number 11) This one could have easily made the Bottom Ten, but it is
so obscure, that I may be the only one who saw it.
The tune isn't bad. It's sort of an uplifting tango.
But it contains the absolutely worst lyric ever written.

A little back story is in order: In the mid 50's, Broderick Crawford starred
in a pretty well-known syndicated series called "Highway Patrol"
It lasted about five years.
Crawford was best known in "Highway Patrol" for his sign-off phrase on the car walkie-talkie, "Ten-four!"
Then, ZIV, the company that produced "Highway Patrol" feeling that maybe Broderick
was still a cash cow, put him in another syndicated series called "King of Diamonds"
In it, he played "two fisted" Johnny King, head of security and insurance
investigator for the diamond industry.
It lasted one season in 1961.
As opposed to "Highway Patrol", on "King of Diamonds", they would occasionally give
him a romantic interest.
The title song grew out of all of this, and included the following lyric, the one
I consider the worst of all-time in any medium.
It was sung by a rather high-pitched male chorus, with a full orchestra backing
them up, and concluded thusly:
"When....
Johnny King breaks a door down,
He's not saying 'ten-four' now,
He's romancing a Queen"
Sometimes it's better not to say anything more.

The bottom ten next time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

A Star Is Not Born.

Are any of you out there familiar with an actress named Megan Hilty?
She has been a regular cast member on the hit NBC series "Smash" this past year.
For those of you who have been watching it, she was the blonde
who was in direct competition with the dark-haired girl for the part of
Marilyn MONroe in the show's attempt to put on a musical based on Marilyn's life.
Throughout the series, she has been the one who has been designed as the one
you're not supposed to root for.
She sleeps with the director to advance her chances, which the dark-haired
girl wouldn't do.
She is portrayed as conniving at every opportunity.
Now, there is nothing wrong or necessarily dismaying about being cast as a
villainess.
It happens all the time.
Her character is a wonderful singer, and a terrific actress.
But when it is crunch time, and the decision has to be made, they go with the
dark-haired girl to play Marilyn.
After this decision is made, there is this very dramatic scene between Megan and
the director she's been sleeping with, where she asks him why the dark-haired girl
got the part and she din't.
After all, she's a blonde, and everything.
And the director, quite tellingly, has to explain to her that the dark-haired
girl is a star, and she isn't.
Now, this puts everything in a different light for Megan Hilty, much less the
character she plays.
It's more than just her being the villainess.
It's telling the character, and the actress, that she isn't a star.
On national television.
If Megan has any kind of sensitivity, she has to realize how much she, Megan,
has been dissed.
On national television.
It had to be a major body blow.
I'm sure that when she read the script, and realized that she was powerless to do
anything about it, she was crushed.
And I felt really badly for Megan the actress, while still maintaining the disdain
I felt for her character.
What a terrible thing for an actress to have to carry around.
Because, of course, they ALL want to become stars.
This set her back at least five lengths, if not in fact, out of the race entirely.

So like I said, I felt really badly for her.
Until this past Fourth of July, when she appeared on "A Capitol Fourth",
the huge patriotic songfest and fireworks display they have on PBS every year.
Megan Hilty was the opening act.
Where somebody who is not a star would find herself.
This part already made sense.
And she sang her patriotic heart out in a fairly standard medley of patriotic
songs, while the stage was draped with red, white, and blue bunting, and American
flags were all over the place.
She got to the part where she sang George M. Cohan's "A Yankee Doodle Tune",
which was prominently featured in the musical "George M.!, where Joel Grey
sang it.
She reached the concluding lyric, which went:
"Hey Sousa, won't you write another march,
Yours is such a melody divine(she sang "sublime", making it a false rhyme) ,
You can have your "William Tell" and "Faust" and "Lohengrin" as well,
But I'll take a Yankee Doodle Tune for mine!"
To paraphrase Neil Simon from "The Sunshine Boys", referring to the
late Sol Burton, the songwriter who died in Variety, she rhymed
"sublime" with "mine".
No wonder she's dead.

And the last line, according to Megan, included this interpretation:
"You can have your "William Tell" and "Faust" and longer in as well"

Longer in.
Longer in.
She sang "longer in"
I went back and checked the Tivo three times.
Longer in.
It might have even had a sexual connotation that way.
Who knows?
She had no clue what "Lohengrin" was. That it was an opera.

Now, I suppose we all make similar mistakes.
I once mentioned that my sister, at my Bar Mitzvah, sang the line from
"Do Re Mi" "sew, ulneeda pulling thread".
And that she thought that "minjulepa" was a word.
As in "You give my old minjulepa kick.....Mame"
Or how I didn't know whether Janis Joplin was singing "freedom's just another
word for nothin' left to lose", or "breathin's just another word for nothin'
left to lose", for which my sister, the "ulneeda" and "minjulepa" purveyor,
never let me hear the end of.

But then, we were adolescents.
And we didn't have access to the Internet, where all of these answers await.
And we weren't going on national TV, where millions of people would be watching,
with, literally flags flying behind us.
And we had no star-studded ambitions.
A star does her homework.
Megan Hilty did not do her homework.
Megan Hilty was a blank slate.
I almost tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.
That she had been so traumatized about being portrayed as not being a star that
she had simply given up trying.
But this was such an affront to anyone who had heard the song, or knew of
George M. Cohan, or opera lovers in general, or admirers of good lyrics, or
Lohengrin, that my benefit of the doubt is not forthcoming.
She was so clueless, that unless she happens to read this, she'll probably
never even know what she did.
You can Google it, and witness this desecration for yourself.

I told you that this would relate to music on TV, and that it would be really bad,
and that should prepare us for geting back to more Dishonorable Mentions for
"Worst TV themes ever"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******

Entertaining Mensa.

I'm writing this article now, because it is sort of related to the previous one.

I was invited by an old friend of mine, let's call him "Marty", because that is,
in fact his name.
He and his wife saw me do a reading and signing of my paperback when I appeared at
a bookstore on Long Island.
I've known Marty since college, and he and his wife are heavily involved in the
New York chapter of Mensa, the high I.Q. organization.
And after hearing me do my act on Long Island, they invited me to be the guest
speaker at the annual Mensa event held in White Plains.
I was happy to oblige.
There is something you should know about Marty.
He has always been a somewhat socially backward individual.
Particularly when we were in college.
The words "Marty" and "date" were rarely found in the same sentence.
And when it came to storytelling, he wasn't exactly O. Henry.
He was, and is, often the butt of our contemporaries' jokes.

So I go through my usual routine at Mensa of reading several of my essays, and
then opening the floor to a Q and A.
The very intelligent audience had some very good questions.
Then someone asked me if I had any stories about Marty.
I replied that I did, but I would still like to retain him as a friend, so perhaps
this was not the time.
But there was clamoring from the crowd.
So, in a very calculated move on my part, I asked Marty if there was any story
he would like to share with the crowd.
He threw out the punchline to one of his more notorious ones---"How about
"125, 130?"
With further calculation, knowing my boy as I did, I suggested that Marty himself
tell the story, and handed him the microphone.
It was a story that took place in college, but I knew he would begin the story in public school, to establish the roots of his social awkwardness, which he did.
After about five minutes of him not even approaching what the story was about,
I said "Marty, give me back the mike!!!"
I then proceeded to tell the story from where it should have begun:
Marty had gone bowling while we were in college, and just happened to mention that
he met a girl at the bowling alley.
This was enough news to make the AP, UPI, and Reuters.
So one of our friends, not missing the opportunity to let Marty off the hook.
asked "Was she any good (nudge,nudge, wink,wink)?", to which Marty replied "Oh,
about 125, 130"
When I told it, I really cut to the chase, and got the laugh that the story
deserved, rather than the nothing that Marty would have gotten out of it.
Also, totally calculated, I segued right into the story of Ron Howard's wedding,
explaining what a "lift" was, and how everything Marty had said when he had the
mike was a "lift.
I'd completely won over the crowd with that, and ended up selling a lot of books that night.

I will make one more digression before I get back to the "Worst TV Themes" list.
This digression is not completely unrelated.
It involves music, and something I saw on TV that was also completely Godawful .

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
Happy Days.
You might want to check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperback, "Mark Rothman's Essays" is still available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at macchus999@aol.com.


******