The Dregs.

Here we are!
The promised land!
The Bottom Five Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time.

5) Mister Ed.

Jay Livingston and Ray Evans were great songwriters.
Three Oscars for Best Song.
"Buttons and Bows", "Que Sera Sera", and "Mona Lisa".
Then, at some point, they were asked to write the theme song for "Mister Ed".
If they were that hard up for money, they should have hocked the Oscars.
I'm sure they knew what a "forced rhyme" was.
How many ways can you come up with a rhyme for "horse" without having
to force?
(Hey! There's one that THEY didn't even think of!)

4) The Texan.

A not-very-well-remembered Western series starring Rory Calhoun in the late 50's.
The theme music accompanied a visual of Rory sitting on his horse, galloping away
slowly from the camera, out on the prairie.
The accompaniment consisted of a rhythmic cacophany of tubas and bassoons that
literally gave the impression that Rory and the horse were consistently farting
to it's tempo.

3) Three's Company.

The low grade here does not involve the singing, the arrangement, or the lyrics.
It's here because the melody, by Joe Raposo, who should have known better, was a
direct ripoff of the great Duke Ellington's "Don't Get Around Much Any More"
'Nuff said.

2) The Pruitts of Southhampton.

The Phyllis Diller sitcom from 1966, where the title song has to be seen to be
disbelieved.
Godawful lyrics, and worse, godawful singing by Ms. Diller.
She approached it unashamedly.
She must have had the balls of a cat-burglar.
I'm certain that if David Merrick had caught an episode of "The Pruitts of
Southhampton, he never would have hired her to replace Pearl Bailey in
"Hello Dolly" two years later.
God, what THAT must have sounded like.

1) Maude

I have long maintained that "Maude" was a piece of shit.
As was the song that introduced us to it every week.
I'm going to print the lyrics here, along with my running commentary in parentheses.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider
She didnt' care if the whole world looked.
(See, she rode through the streets of Coventry, naked.)
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
She was a sister who really cooked.
(See? It's a double entendre! Because they burned her at the stake!
So she cooked! And I guess she had a sister.)

Isadora was the first bra burner
And you're glad she showed up. Oh yeah!
(Isadora who? Duncan? I thought she was about scarves. Not bras. But what do
I know? )
And when the country was falling apart
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.
(That's because she sewed the first American flag. With the stars and
the stripes and everything.)

And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
And then there's

That old compromisin', enterprisin', anything but tranquilizing,
(She was enterprisin', and I suppose anything but tranquilizin'
I know she got on my nerves. But I never recall her being compromisin')
Right on Maude.
(Yeah, "Right on" is what you said to anyone Bea Arthur's age at the time.
Even in the 70's. Which was the only time ANYONE ever used that expression to
ANYONE.)

So there you have it.

We will soon begin to stomp in greener pastures as I reveal my list of the
BEST TV theme songs ever.

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My book,"Show Runner" and it's sequel,"Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or
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