On one of the great episodes of "Seinfeld", Jerry and George got into a heated discussion, and both rattled off examples of who was, in fact, the bigger idiot.
After a particularly whopping example of idiocy, George proclaimed "You are looking at Costanza, Lord of the Idiots"
Well, I am now here to lay claim to that title.
I did something the other day that I consider to be unmatched in its idiocy.
I am in L.A., after flying in on July 4th.
I live in Malibu, and arrived early enough to realize that if I attempted to drive my black Mitsubishi rented car just after I picked it up, I would be facing some pretty heavy beach traffic.
So I stopped at one of my favorite restaurants along the way.
By the time I got out, the beach traffic would have subsided, and I could breeze home.
Only one problem:
I went into the restaurant's parking lot, and there was no black Mitsubishi where I had parked it.
The car was stolen. There was no other explanation.
And it contained very valuable things.
Like two computers, priceless DVDs, and , oh, by the way, MY ONLY SET OF KEYS TO MY HOME IN MALIBU.
I had the restaurant call the police.
I attempted to have them show me the closed-circuit videotape of the parking lot to see if their could be any leads.
Of course, with it being July 4th, the man in charge of displaying the videotapes was off that day, and unreachable.
I was fuming, and let everybody know it.
The restaurant personnel, other patrons, everybody.
Finally, after about forty-five minutes, the police still not having arrived, the manager suggested to me that the car that was in the space I told him I had parked in had been there since before I had arrived.
"Impossible!" I exclaimed. "This is a light grey car. Mine was black!"
But just for the heck of it, I decided to humor him.
I went outside to the light grey car and examined it.
It was a Mitsubishi.
With my travel bag in the back seat.
Where I had left it.
I had not rented a black car.
I had rented a light grey car.
I went back into the restaurant, apologized to all profusely, all was forgiven, and I felt more relief than stupidity.
It was only later that the pure idiocy of what I had done sank in.
The only words I can offer in my defense is that I only had the car for about fifteen minutes, had been shown several black ones before I made my choice, and all cars these days look alike.
If this was 1955, and I had rented a two-tone Buick Roadmaster, I couldn't have possibly mistaken it for anything else.
But that's really giving me all the best of it, which I don't deserve.
If you ever had any respect for me, now's the time to reconsider.
Move over, Jerry and George.
Make way for Rothman, Lord of the Idiots.
My books ,"Show Runner" and it's sequel, "Show Runner Two", can be found at the Amazon Kindle Store.
Along with the newer ones, "The Man Is Dead", and "Report Cards".
You can search by typing in my name, Cindy Williams, Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, or Happy Days.
Check them out.
You don't need a Kindle machine to download them.
Just get the free app from Kindle, and they can be downloaded to an IPhone, IPad, or Blackberry.
The paperbacks, "Mark Rothman's Essays", and my new novel, "I'm Not Garbo" are available for people without Kindle.
I have many readings and signings remaining, and the thing about Kindle is you can't sign one.
If you'd like one, contact me at email@example.com.
And now, we've got my reading of my "Laverne & Shirley Movie" screenplay on YouTube.
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- mark rothman
- Hi. I am, according to my Wikipedia entry,(which I did not create) a noted television writer, playwright, screenwriter, and occasional actor. You can Google me or go to the IMDB to get my credits, and you can come here to get my opinions on things, which I'll try to express eloquently. Hopefully I'll succeed. You can also e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Perhaps my biggest claim to fame is being responsible, for about six months in 1975, while Head Writer for the "Happy Days" TV series, for Americans saying to each other "Sit on it."